slow down

say hello to my packing buddies



do you ever have those days where it's just sort of painful to be alive? and every single thing that you do, every sentence that leaves your lips, feels like there is a milestone attatched. a milestone piled on top of all your anxities, and all your doubts or maybe that's just reality. the reality of it all. it's been one of those days for a long time. people offer distant words or half ass encouragement. usualy it just ends up being about them anyway. nobody attemps to pry it out of me which i appreciate i guess. i am content staying behind these walls. i don't have an awful life. i am trying to live, and i am trying to make it work. i am trying to make sense of why i'm here. I have to constantly remind myself who i am and who made me. i have a God who is bigger than this, no matter how distant He feels sometimes. Love and compassion for other people isn't a human characteristic, it's gotta come from something bigger than us. "we love because He first loved us". i guess i feel really lost in all of this, am i expecting and sort of terrified of it being unveiled while i'm overseas, yes. but i guess we will see. i am exited for death threat friday, and any song they play off peace and security. diner after with good friends too. there are a few people i'm going to miss a bunch for sure. i don't know how i should feel right now, i'm sort of in this, "wow, this was a great idea when i thought about it, but what in the hell was i thinking" mindset. so hopefuly it turns into something else, and i know i wouldn't be going if i wasn't supposed to be. He has a plan, always does. 3 months isn't long but i'm finally feeling crazy for doing it. whatever. i've finished most of my packing, and will return to my apartment one last time before my departure. less than a week, here we gooooo


these are a few pictures taken by someone who worked at the orphanage i will be at, Amani Baby Cottage. Here is the adress if you would like to write me or something, i'll write back, promise:

Amani Baby Cottage
Att: Kelsey Nielsen
P.O. Box 1799
Jinja, Uganda, East Africa

(don't send packages, they take months to get to the location, probably would get there after i left, BUT letters shouldn't take to long! if you give me your adress i'll send you a post card!)

need some time to find myself, i want to live within

i leave a week from today, how crazy is that? maybe only crazy to me. i planned on writing more, but now i'm just tired so i'll finish this another time.

okay what am i trying to say is i really never know what it is i am trying to say. i have a lot of ideas, i have a busy brain, so much so sometimes it seems completely inactive. so much going on that my mind is fixed on survival and that is it. most days i don't know how i end up where i end up, or doing whatever it is i end up doing. it's like i'm expecting something big to happen, something that will change things for me and how i am. awaiting the arival of something that just may never come. and that this crusade is one i must go alone forever and for always. this dissconnect between knowledge and the ability to function. i won't blame it on bad luck or misfortune, that would be suggesting i lack all cotrol. i've felt fortunate i someways recently. i've gotten close to a few people who i consider actual friends, this is the first time in a long time. in conversation with one of them and another one of her close friends i was reminded that it is important to "keep it real". a simple strategy but one we most often fail at. i think lack of sleep and copious amounts of coffee add to my racing thoughts, and blurred sense of reality. i'll settle down someday, but most likely not. anyway. i am excited. i am terrified. but let's just wait and see what's in store for me.

i take it out on my good friends, but the worst stays in

i have some ideas, i'm going to write them here in a little. hold on

sometimes when you can't speak for yourself i guess it makes sense another way.

and i also guess that sometimes you have to have nothing for little while to remember that you have something. that will make sense to you one day. and i'm still learning