i wanted you to ask me to stay

ive pushed out a lot of the people i shouldn't have, some i should. i don't know where i stand right now. life feels weird, i feel like ive been given a lot and don't know what to do with it. i feel so alone even when surrounded by people, because i feel different than you him or her, i see things in a weird way, my mind is strange and more and more each day i see the downfalls of this. i'm bitter i guess, bitter about so many things i couldn't name one, angry at myself for not being able to find peace and frustrated with the fact that i am never satisfied with where i am at. i always feel as if i'm doing something wrong, as if im guilty of something even if im on the right track. my past weighs me down, and as much as id like to forget wrongs ive done, and wrongs that have been done to me, i can't erase these things. all the time we spent figuring things out, everytime i got scared and told you to leave me be. each time i'd tell you i had to go, i just wanted you to ask me to stay. i wanted to see if i really mattered, if you needed me around. you shouldn't test the ones you love, or ever feel like you need to. love should be certain, love should not have to be considered or debated. i want so much to say that im fine on my own, and that i don't want anyone but that isn't true. i want to be able to love, i just feel incapable sometimes. i feel like i can't do it right, and when i feel like im loving, i usualy end up hurting. a lot of my good is gone. i've gotta snap out of it and realize that the miserable person i can be so often isn't fun to be around, but sometimes i don't care and being miserable seems the only option, instead of letting myself feel something real and have it taken away.

regaurdless of how angry i am and how much i've grown to despise you, ending a friendship with someone you were close with for a while hurts, im broken over it because we became like sisters, and then i started to see you for what you really were and how different we actually were. We are nothing like eachother, i morphed into a negative, critical person the more we hung out, someone i hate now, someone im determined to kill off. You are not to blame, I am, i'm the one who stuck around for so long. i don't miss you, and i mean that. i'm frustrated with myself for wasting so much damn time.

yeah yeah
thanksgiving break tomorrow, about 5 or so days at home
Bye philladelphia for a little while