if you see me keep going

broken, not broken in every sense but broken in the sense of any and anything that ever had to do with you. i feel like i've always been trying to pick up all the pieces, trying to make up for things i've done to hurt you. and i never knew why i wanted to hurt you, but i did every time i sensed we were getting too close or too far. i don't think i have enjoyed time spent in so long, because i'm too concerned with trying to make it better, when i'll end up doing something to make it worse, and push you. i know i've loved imperfectly, very selfishly, i know it wasn't the love i said it was. but neither was yours. i think that's the place i'm still lost at. the things you said, the things that were never meant. i don't know what you meant, or how you meant them, but they still have the ability to sting. i've always said i'd always be there, but so much of the time i don't know how to be. i don't know how to be there completely selflessly. when you are hurting my heart sinks and i treat you as if you were an innocent, blameless child. i want to rush to your sidde and save you from what ever you are going through. i don't want you to hurt, yet i have hurt you and continue that. i know you don't have a clue of the ability you still hold to hurt me, how bad it bums me out when plans get messed up, how much i don't care what we do, i just enjoy your company. you've never had to impress me, or doing anything back. i guess i just wish my actions matched up to my words, and i wish my heart was always in the right place. i wish i could just love you from a distance, and not treat you how you treat me