anxiety

i never feel settled i don't think. i'm not sure what it is i'm looking for, a person, place or thing? no i don't even know if its any of that. maybe achievement or actual self sufficience along with success... i don't really know to be honest. i find everything wrong with myself, and that consumes my mind. i spend my time thinking of how i could look better, or be better, what i need to change and how i can do it. whether they are plausible things or not, doesn't matter still takes over my mind and keeps me from thinking about what i should probably be thinking about. i don't know if that's healthy or not but what even is, we're all fucked up in our own ways.i just feel more fucked up than most. i feel like i'll never be who or what i want to be and i can never just relax and appreciate where i am at. i zone out, i can sit and stare off and not realize it for so long, there's nothing on my mind, it's seriously just blank so it's not like im sitting there worried or anxious...i'm just seemingly dead for a little, i don't feel a thing, a cool breeze or noise snaps me out of it, but i don't know why i do it so often. i don't understand love, i don't get what makes one person care about another. what makes it imposible...the fact of relying on someone else to complete you, to make you happy seems so vulnerable, i want that, but i don't know why. it seems like it would bring nothing but hurt in the end, as it has in the past. i am so tired of the people around me, mostly myself. i hate that i am never satisfied. i hate that i hurt the people that mean the most to me and i don't know why i do it. i get so frustrated with myself, and keeping my goals and priorities in order. i constantly get off task and lose focus of what is important and what is not. sometimes i don't want to live, does that make me suicidal? or is it normal to just want to escape and not deal with the world around you, let alone yourself and all the mistakes you've made. cycles, cycles, cycles. never a good thing. why can't i get caught up in a good cycle, where i'm doing positive things, helping instead of hurting. why can i identify and know what the right thing to do is in a situation, but knowingly i chose to do the opposite? i feel empty, i feel alone. i feel like nothing can reedem me from this hell. but i'm reminded of my Savior. I'm reminded when i feel so weak that God is strong. That nothing else will fill this emptiness but Him. The things of this world are temporary, everything fades, everyone lets you down. Whether or not you believe in God, does not make Him any less real, i've realized that. He is the same God whether you worship satan, believe in no higher power, or you pray to Alah. I always questioned God's existince in the evil and destruction in this world. The natural disasters of hurricanes, floods, earth quakes, or the mass murders of the hollocaust, Rwanda, and now Darfur, or even the tragic deaths of children and young people... none of it really made sense to me, and is still hard to grasp, but I guess what i came to realize is that when God created man he gave us free will, and in doing so we had the option to do right or wrong. Rather than making us robots and controlling our every move, he allowed us to chose. In giving us free will, he ultimately allowed us to create evil ourselves, in disobeying and going against what He desired for us. With evil in the world, we couldn't have a perfect world. The hardships, and tradgedies we endure make us who we are. They challenge our character, our judgement, our integrity. So yeah, alot of things don't make sense. we always ask "why me" because it always seems we have it so much worse than everyone else. but in reality there is always someone who has it worse and someone who has it better than you. there are always things to be greatful for. God is God, so ofcourse we can't understand all of His reasoning and justification behind why he allows certain things to happen. If we could understand all of it we would be God...Matter is neither creater nor destroyed. The big bang theory in which matter combusted and formed the universe.. where did that original matter come from inorder to combust? something can not be created from nothing so i ask where this theory actually begins. Is there some magic right before in which in the begining of time matter just appeared out of thin air, and then the theory of matter came into play? i don't really understand how there could be no higher power. God is a personal thing for everyone...everyone has their reasons they do or don't believe. I know i have a lot to work on with who i am, who i have become... I know the Dude who created me dserves a lot more of my time, and less time focoused on myself and what i want, because that is never good.

i have class early and need to atleast attempt to sleep,
idk what my point in all this was, more of just rambling because i have insomnia

goodnight