whatever

i don't want anyone around but i want someone. i hate being around people, mostly myself. the only time i feel okay is when im asleep; anxiety is my default mode. any time something good comes my way, a little glimpse of happy... i run the other direction, i guess because i know it'll end up fading in the end...im just sick of the same old same old. im sick of feeling ugly inside and out for so long, taking steps to change the outside while the inside rots and becomes even less attractive...im tired of the word friend. it's thrown around like love, thrown around to be used, abused and stepped on until it means nothing i don't know, maybe have two or three they aren't you so whatever. i don't seek a big group of "friends" i have aquaintances i hang with to pass the time and laugh with but that's really it, im realistic in the fact that when it really came down to it noone would be there. i wonder why im so hard to stick with, but then i remember i can't even stand myself. i love this city, ive enjoyed meeting many new faces but yet i feel so alone. i don't know what i'm saying, or what i'm exactly searching for. i want to move away but that would just be displacing these feelings to another location, and the start of new falty "friendships"; i sound bitter, i am. i wish i'd never called you a friend. i realize i've held on to things for the simple fact that it was familiar to me; it wasn't real love or friendship, it is what i came to know, a pattern, a cycle if you will. i don't have it in me to love at this point, maybe someday, but for now i have to give up on the idea of finding someone and falling in love, it's true i am young...i'm working on my life, getting through school, losing the weight and being healthy. i want to be someone my Mom is proud of again, i don't want to hurt my family anymore than i already have. lonliness is familiar, and you've grown distant and i've become okay with that somehow. i've contradicted myself a thousand times in this somewhat short entry

yeah bye