admit: regret

first off, i am not in control, completely out of control actually. i am so quick to jump down someone's throat when they wrong me or hurt me. Usually it is not as horrible as my reaction would account for. My initial reaction to conflict or anything is pretty terrible and embarrassing really. The second i am able to collect myself and step back to see it outside my own eyes i feel rotten and apologize. although i'm sure it loses meaning after a couple of these episodes. really, how many times can you freak out and take it back, freak out, and take it back? it has to get real old. Anyone who is close to me or has been around me enough has probably experienced this in one way or another and i am so sorry for that. i need to get a better hold on my anger, my emotions in general. i am no better than the people i feel so above for whatever length of time i feel entitled to be hostile and miserable toward them. these are things my Dad did, this is what i grew up around and i see myself acting so obviously like him, and i think that is what scares me so bad, because i don't want to rip people apart like that, i don't want to make people feel low.

secondly, i feel low. lower than low can get sometimes. not always, but mostly. i feel useless, ugly, unnecessary. i've kept to myself a lot this summer. i will be asked to hang out, and sit at home because i really just care about going to the gym, how i still have a lot of weight to lose, and if i ate too many calories that day how stupid i was for doing that, how gross i am. this isn't healthy, losing weight and wanting to be healthy is, but not my mindset as a whole. this is an in and out thing. this isn't a constant. when i am out on the bay kayaking, or with friends laughing doing whatever i seriously enjoy it. it's leading up to anything, my mind is my worst enemy. this is a result of selfishness, self pity. i wallow, i self-loathe, i dwell on things, i am a baby, i need to grow up and just live, maybe just be happy with where i am at. go from there. the things in my head are so minuscule in reality, they are nothing in comparison to the suffering others endure in this world. i am constantly reminded of that yet i get stuck in these ruts. these things probably shouldn't be shared on a public blog. my mind is terrible, i'm sorry if you read this.