.013

writing this from my cacoon of blankets in my comfy bed. would not mind never leaving this spot ever. as of late i have a hard time with the world around me, and it's more of a self fought battle against my own mind, i guess it always has been. i had a good talk with my Mom yesterday afternoon, and she reassured me that it shows a lot that i acknowlege it. that my dad, he just never even thought there was something wrong with how he was. it's scary when it's not just you seeing your Dad in yourself, but the people around you do aswell. like she said, it's negative and positive, but i have to constantly stay ahead of the negative. i won't let this thing take hold of me, no medicine this time, it won't consume me entirely. feeling your grasp on reality and control of your mind slip slowly out from under you is pretty terrifying. i'm not something i would invest in, because i have the capacity, just like him to hurt you. keeping it together, looking at 3 A's and 2 B's this semester. i turn 20 in like two weeks, oh yeah and christmas too, that's weird. i leave for Uganda in about 7 weeks. still pretty unreal. i won't have room for head stuff there, but like mom said, i can't run from it.

i think chan marshall kind of gets it


"She was wearing a pair of my pajamas with the sleeves rolled up. When she laughed I wanted her again. A minute later she asked me if I loved her. I told her it didn't mean anything but that I didn't think so. She looked sad. But as we were fixing lunch, and for no apparent reason, she laughed in such a way that I kissed her."