slow down

say hello to my packing buddies



do you ever have those days where it's just sort of painful to be alive? and every single thing that you do, every sentence that leaves your lips, feels like there is a milestone attatched. a milestone piled on top of all your anxities, and all your doubts or maybe that's just reality. the reality of it all. it's been one of those days for a long time. people offer distant words or half ass encouragement. usualy it just ends up being about them anyway. nobody attemps to pry it out of me which i appreciate i guess. i am content staying behind these walls. i don't have an awful life. i am trying to live, and i am trying to make it work. i am trying to make sense of why i'm here. I have to constantly remind myself who i am and who made me. i have a God who is bigger than this, no matter how distant He feels sometimes. Love and compassion for other people isn't a human characteristic, it's gotta come from something bigger than us. "we love because He first loved us". i guess i feel really lost in all of this, am i expecting and sort of terrified of it being unveiled while i'm overseas, yes. but i guess we will see. i am exited for death threat friday, and any song they play off peace and security. diner after with good friends too. there are a few people i'm going to miss a bunch for sure. i don't know how i should feel right now, i'm sort of in this, "wow, this was a great idea when i thought about it, but what in the hell was i thinking" mindset. so hopefuly it turns into something else, and i know i wouldn't be going if i wasn't supposed to be. He has a plan, always does. 3 months isn't long but i'm finally feeling crazy for doing it. whatever. i've finished most of my packing, and will return to my apartment one last time before my departure. less than a week, here we gooooo


these are a few pictures taken by someone who worked at the orphanage i will be at, Amani Baby Cottage. Here is the adress if you would like to write me or something, i'll write back, promise:

Amani Baby Cottage
Att: Kelsey Nielsen
P.O. Box 1799
Jinja, Uganda, East Africa

(don't send packages, they take months to get to the location, probably would get there after i left, BUT letters shouldn't take to long! if you give me your adress i'll send you a post card!)

need some time to find myself, i want to live within

i leave a week from today, how crazy is that? maybe only crazy to me. i planned on writing more, but now i'm just tired so i'll finish this another time.

okay what am i trying to say is i really never know what it is i am trying to say. i have a lot of ideas, i have a busy brain, so much so sometimes it seems completely inactive. so much going on that my mind is fixed on survival and that is it. most days i don't know how i end up where i end up, or doing whatever it is i end up doing. it's like i'm expecting something big to happen, something that will change things for me and how i am. awaiting the arival of something that just may never come. and that this crusade is one i must go alone forever and for always. this dissconnect between knowledge and the ability to function. i won't blame it on bad luck or misfortune, that would be suggesting i lack all cotrol. i've felt fortunate i someways recently. i've gotten close to a few people who i consider actual friends, this is the first time in a long time. in conversation with one of them and another one of her close friends i was reminded that it is important to "keep it real". a simple strategy but one we most often fail at. i think lack of sleep and copious amounts of coffee add to my racing thoughts, and blurred sense of reality. i'll settle down someday, but most likely not. anyway. i am excited. i am terrified. but let's just wait and see what's in store for me.

i take it out on my good friends, but the worst stays in

i have some ideas, i'm going to write them here in a little. hold on

sometimes when you can't speak for yourself i guess it makes sense another way.

and i also guess that sometimes you have to have nothing for little while to remember that you have something. that will make sense to you one day. and i'm still learning

you wear the clothes of a beggar, but underneath your a thief

I liked being 15 or 16 i think

You shouldn't have the power that you still do. From one extreme to the other. My mind should not afford you the ability to get at me like you still do. I said this to you but I really think that maybe I want you to feel just a small part of what you did to me. I want this all to mess with you like it used to mess with me. I don't think I'm in love with you anymore no, don't think like that please. However I still love you, I always tried to do it selflessly, and step away when I know I had to. My mind worked against me, everything you did worked against anything good it could have, but would have never been. I'd be kidding myself if I tried to pull the "I don't miss you. I just hate you", and things of the like. But as I sit at my work desk, working on mind numbing tasks, I'm left to dwell on how unloveable I really must be. And just how detached from any human emotion you are but your own desires. I know I'm pretty awful, you've reminded me plenty of times. Here's to your success at making me feel entirely disposable, and unworthy of anything you once held infront of me. Because I can't let him in now, not just him but them, and anyone else. And you know it isn't so much that I don't know how, I can not. You didn't make me crazy, I did that to myself. Hey maybe genetics and a somewhat unfortunate upbringing had something to do with it too. Regardless, where I am now, I am not sure. I've been hanging out somewhere between bad and worse.I'm looking for an escape, for a way out. Reaching up, just to have it all cave in on me again. Did I think you were capable of saving me from that, no. But there were little moments where things felt alright, and you know I felt at home. If I can't forget you, I will work on forgiving you. That's cliche, and silly. But I guess that is all I have for now. Until I am given a more creative, and possibly even a more effective remedy. I never know what I'm actualy writing about. I feel this is an attempt to produce what makes no sense in a physical form. Just to get it all down and have it still make no sense, but just reinforce how far off you really are. I will work on trying to be okay with myself, less self hate seems like a wild thought. and then maybe I will work on trying to let people love and care for me, the way I do for them. Until then I will keep giving and knowing I don't deserve to receive anything back.

but you don't mean a thing to me

work is a drag we all say it. Life is a joke, it seems trendy to be miserable. These thoughts are present to some degree in us all I guess. For some this unavoidable state of mind is more pressing and more threatening. We do the same things always. No matter what happens, who we are with. Who we think we have. At the end of the day as you crawl into bed, it is one lonely, miserable leg after the other, slipping under the covers of a bed that brings more warmth and comfort than any friend or family member has been able to offer. That's a scary reality, huh? A more terrifying truth is the instability of your own sanity. Something that is yours. The only thing you really have all of the time is slipping away from you. Unable to love the right ways, unable to think and react like you are expected to and know you should. Trapped in your mind, nobody wants that. I know I don't. I'd like to feel okay for 1 day, and not fake okay. allowing myself to be nursed by so called friends, or meaningless experiences i could most certainly do without. but i mask it, and i keep busy. and that is all i know. i don't know if i have ever been too sure what it is I'm looking for. I guess I put a lot of expectation in leaving and things making more sense when I do. Now I'm just more apprehensive. I guess i just don't want to feel bad. I want to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning feeling something more than the exterior. Interior vs. Exterior. I always think this should be more simple and that I should be able to decide to just change things and not feel so defeated all the time. This winter break has been weird. A lotta wild stuff happened I guess. I really did enjoy a lot of it I think. Its just a lot. I'm scared to leave some people behind, I didn't think I'd be saying that. A few are starting to mean more than they maybe should. Its wild when you can see the people around you really looking at you or treating you like a crazy person. I let some people in and some people know a little bit. But never tell anybody everything ever. None of this even made sense. I'm bored at work and always feel like it could be useful to update this for some reason. I'm not even sure what that reason is. I'll cut me off now. well i promise to make up for these with nothing but cool, exciting things that happen in Uganda. i leave in 3 weeks, don't forget about me, on second thought, do.

i'm living in a hole and I want to go deeper

i wanted to write here, i'm not sure why i ever do but i do. i'll be honest some day. and i'll get stronger some day.

i almost climbed the stairs

THIS HAS BEEN MY WINTER BREAK SO FAR, WHAT?

seekers of the truth

i'm a few hours into te next decade of my life. my 20's. pretty WILD right. Ha i mean never really thought of it being a big deal, until last night as i was falling asleep. i realized in these next 10 years,some of the most important things will be happening or "should" be happening. graduating college, finding a job, doing my masters in social work (most likely), meeting my husband (HAH) and starting a family? Buying a house? a lot is supposed to happen in these next 10 years. am i ready? no way. i'll take it as it's handed to me, and go from there. it's crazy think of some or any of that happening. well, i had a really okay christmas, and okay birthday. i don't know why i was bummed to turn 20, but i was. mom treated us to Thai which is always nice. awful weather, trying to get my things together, and i finally found myself back in the city around some of my favorite people. i made some people happy with christmas gifts,and i think that was my favorite part. i got some ridiculous stuff from hober and chad, and april got me the best things ever. she spent way too much on me. barco suprised me with a cake, and a gift. it was just a nice way to end a mediocre couple of days. tonight is what i've been siked on anyways. running some errands, going to cro-mags, and then having people over after for my birthday. i am lucky i think, please remind me of that.

it's getting harder to feel it any more

right now it is 8:41am on monday, december 21st. 4 days til christmas, and 5 til i turn 20. my apartment is freezing, and i need to get home for a dr. appointment at 1pm. i spent the last 3 days with some good friends, and non-stop laughter. the memorial day demo was played at least 12 times in the course of 72 hrs. i had no sense of time, the snow was good to us. well, i have to get my things together to head home, and i can not wait.

peace

once upon a time

not the fairy tale, the memorial day song.

ever sit back and take in how quickly people come in and out of your life? pretty wild. the semester is over finally, and as i handed in my last paper this morning i felt anxiety ease a bit. walking out of anderson i could finally take a deep breath for the first time in months. you are so tense kelsey, so tense. i got an "i'm sorry", yesterday followed by silence. i didn't appreciate that. not at all, what is that supposed to mean to me. i've been listening to the memorial day demo, cat power, and acoustic bayside way too much lately. it may just be keeping me here. i also recieved a phone call from my mom while i was with some friends last night. she called me crying, and i could not tell you the last time i heard my mom cry. She called because she missed my Dad, and said, "it's just hard this time of year, i miss him, i miss what things could have been for all of us now". Now i love my Dad too, and ofcourse i miss him, but is it bad that none of that has crossed my mind in a while. i don't really think about what could have been because it just isn't. he isn't here, and that is what it is. i've gotten close to a couple new people, some i'm getting to know better. i like where some friendships are headed. with the fall 2009 semester behind me, bring on Christmas things, 2010, and Uganda. i've got things to learn, and places to go.


this is still so beautiful to me

oh yes, ps: last minute visit to devon's shore house last night was the best last minute decision. Barco is home which is great. rode there with her, pinto, preston, and eric. bob joined us on the way home. just being around good friends is nice. we went out on the beach around midnight, not a single person around. the sky was completely clear, and seeing all the stars out, and running around on the beach in the 20 degree weather with friends was the perfect end to this week.

.013

writing this from my cacoon of blankets in my comfy bed. would not mind never leaving this spot ever. as of late i have a hard time with the world around me, and it's more of a self fought battle against my own mind, i guess it always has been. i had a good talk with my Mom yesterday afternoon, and she reassured me that it shows a lot that i acknowlege it. that my dad, he just never even thought there was something wrong with how he was. it's scary when it's not just you seeing your Dad in yourself, but the people around you do aswell. like she said, it's negative and positive, but i have to constantly stay ahead of the negative. i won't let this thing take hold of me, no medicine this time, it won't consume me entirely. feeling your grasp on reality and control of your mind slip slowly out from under you is pretty terrifying. i'm not something i would invest in, because i have the capacity, just like him to hurt you. keeping it together, looking at 3 A's and 2 B's this semester. i turn 20 in like two weeks, oh yeah and christmas too, that's weird. i leave for Uganda in about 7 weeks. still pretty unreal. i won't have room for head stuff there, but like mom said, i can't run from it.

i think chan marshall kind of gets it


"She was wearing a pair of my pajamas with the sleeves rolled up. When she laughed I wanted her again. A minute later she asked me if I loved her. I told her it didn't mean anything but that I didn't think so. She looked sad. But as we were fixing lunch, and for no apparent reason, she laughed in such a way that I kissed her."

enslaved i can't be saved

so here i am, almost 3am, i have class tomorrow and my left eye is still twitching from lack of sleep or lack of bananas. yeah, gotta be sleep. I made the mistake of putting on the new Blacklisted LP for the first time in its entirety. and it is exactly what i needed to hear. hearing them play "i'm trying to dissapear" a few times this year got me siked, but i wasn't expecting this. I'm just grateful that there is still a band after years of seeing them, that i still have faith in, and that i can pay for a record without listening to any of it, knowing they won't let me down. A definite postive progression in their music careers in my eyes, pretty neat.

This weekend was awesome for the most part, my brain wanted to shut down during the whole thing, but not to worry. I stayed ahead of it with lots of coffee, and parties parties parties. Joe Pitt's 21st was a lot of fun, and if you know me, you know tired kelsey is the worst, and most likely more awful than any drunk person (excluding erika and april ofcourse). Ricky's suprise party was sucessful, and i'm glad. I a had a lot of fun there as well. Seeing Lily all three days of the weekend was an added bonus.

i turn 20 in 20 days, i don't like the sound of that.

going through the motions always,


to be 13 again

.012

Happy Thanksgiving from the Nielsen family (pre-view of the 2009 Nielsen Christmas card)



I am thankful.

Thankful for having more than i deserve at all. for having love in my life. for a mother who has loved me unconditionaly, through all of the bull shit i have put her through (and it's been pretty bad). Thankful for the times when God's love is real to me, and i can see a purpose in things. I am thankful that He has a love for me that far outweighs all the times i turn my cheek. Thankful for forgiveness, and for fresh starts. Thankful for my Pup, she makes me smile every time i walk in the door. Thankful for food to eat (in that i need to be respectful of it and be healthy). Thankful for being able to go to school and get an education, despite the frustration or monotonoay of it all. Thankful for getting to go to Uganda in 2 months. Thankful for friends who have loved me when i was pretty unlovable. Thankful for Jessie Gaul, Danielle Sheldon, Kyle Henley. Thankful for people who i've met and learned something from. Thankful for people who have confronted me or helped me grow up. Thankful for honey crisp apples, purple grapes, sugar free red bull. Thankful for having less and less care about consumerism, and having nice things. Thankful for other friends who are real and i can have fun with.

Today I wrote out 4 notes to my Mom, Elise, Josh, and Brian. I just wrote what I was thankful for about them. I just wanted to do it, and i think i'll start doing it every year maybe. Working on being less selfish, less demanding of instant gratification. Elminating selfish desire would be nice, that won't happen but i guess just working towards it maybe i'll get somewhere. maybe not.


Saw brand new twice this tour, drove up to CT last night with april, was the best brand new set i've ever seen. I'm glad we went.

Goodnight

.011

hi, i help others because i know that nobody can help me. because i want to do so many things and go so many places. every day i wake up and wish i hadn't. and it feels awful when you walk out the front door with that mindset and you see a homeless individual with a drug addiction and/or mental disorder, and you feel nothing but guilt for feeling so miserable. how can these things manifest, and stick around for so long, when i have a place to live, i have people who love me. dad i miss you, but i deserved to tell you what you put me through. i've been through some things, but i've met people who have seen far worse. i know what i have, i know what i should be able to do. if it were that simple, it would be that simple, and i would not wake up and go to bed feeling completely void of any importance or emotion, regardless of the events i have experienced that day, or have to look forward to. what a joke. i'm my own hell, seriously have always just been fighting a war against myself, i can't remember a day with a clear mind, but that would be nice. I can't save myself, how do you save yourself when you are the problem

.010

...yeah kinda like that

.009

i can not wait for christmas time, i am already downloading/listening to christmas music. i can't wait for colder weather, ginger bread houses, christmas plays, trans-siberian orchestra, driving around looking at christmas lights, christmas at the zoo, buying gifts for people i love, christmas morning, my birthday the day after. always think it would be nice to share this with someone, almost every year things are rocky around this time, and i haven't enjoyed it as much in the recent past. but i will this year, christmas is too good to be missing something that was never even there.

.009

i can't do for you what you can't do for yourself, and i can't be what you want me to be, by the time i become that, i'll be gone, we'll both be far from close. so this is me saying so long. i have never been good at standing idle by waiting for the small possibility you may need me in the time to come. you'll grow out of this, you've got a lot inside, but nothing i can offer you that you won't resist to no end. i refuse to compete for you, with you, for your attention, for your friendship. i don't know what you want or what you expect from a friend, but it shure as hell doesn't look like this. it is okay to see things close out, or come to an end, or even just to close in on it for a while. you don't feel like home anymore. so bye, later, i'll be seeing you, and when i do i'll know you far less than i do now.

.008

this weekend was perfect, spent time with a bunch of good friends, met some neat new people. saw my middle school self resurface at the electric factory when jude law/seventy times 7 were played. but i should have alowed more time for homework. ohh wellp, i think i did well on my exam today anyway. 2.5 months. 4 more weeks of school, then finals, then christmas. I CAN NOT WAIT!

.007

t-minus 12ish weeks and counting; can not wait, can not wait ahhhh

okay okay; just one little frustration, you know the feeling when you can't think or try to figure out anything you want to think about or try to figure out. when life, school, people, work, the internet, take up all of YOUR brain time, and make it THEIR brain time. yeah, that feeling. I HATE THAT FEELING. It is extremly limiting, but what else would you expect when your mind is being taken over, flooded by everything you want to just run away from. Because maybe things would make a little more sense, maybe if we stepped outside we wouldn't actually be doing a lot of this at all? I have no clue because I don't think i've really done this, I've tried, the thought is nice right? What would we really gain from it, the push and pull of our every day lives keeps us busy and maybe what we do through out the day is useful in not allowing us to think too deply, or when we do it is almost indefinitly interupted. We probably wouldn't like what we found, yeah we think we're bad now, right?


forever my favorite lyrist ever ever ever.

.006

Ahh so i didn't remember today was my Dad's birthday until my mom said, "you're dad would have turned 54 today". weird because i knew it was my older brother's birthday, but it slipped my mind that the two of them always shared the november 7th birthday... Dad you didn't even make it to your 50th birthday, i know you would be feeling really old today. i miss ya a lot, and i really love you. just wish forgetting you/things about you didn't come with time. i wish i could preserve everything good and relive it by memory or in my dreams. please keep watching over us, we need you still. i hope God tells you about the good things that are going on in our lives, i know he wouldn't bother you with the bad up there. i don't know if you would be proud of me right now, i hope you would be. i've come a long way, i'm definitely a shell of the 14 year old k girl youd left behind, but i'd still let you take me out on movie/dinner dates, i'd still run out to your autobody shop when i needed help or just needed to cry. i don't cry so much anymore. sometimes i don't think i miss you enough, but it's been 5 years, i think you've helped us with that. have fun up there, i bet it's neat. i hope God tells you these sort of things. Happy Birthday Dad, God throws better birthday parties than us anyways.