a past that haunts

i'll never escape it

mi cumpleaños

eh yeah yesterday was my birthday. it started off terrible with me just being down on myself about a lot, cause i let people get to me; rob cleared my head and set me straight, i know im a lucky girl and i just gotta remind myself of that when i get frustrated and all... no matter where things go or how they end up i just gotta keep my head up. spent the day with the family, mostly mom, got nice stuff. shes paying for my new bike that kate is building, got me a gps, some little stuff, and 100 bucks.... she also paid for everything i got at thrift stores with her, and my cro-mags ticket. then we went as a family out to Japanese, it was real nice. i know she was really trying to make my birthday special and i really appriciated it. i've learned to value her a lot more out of anyone. she's not all bad. not at all. then headed down to barco's and she made me a birthday cake :) we went to the mags, saw alota good people, kate was there, sucha nice surprise, i enjoyed everything even wic kinda hah...ummm but seriously cro-mags was obviously my highlight. kate's boyfriend is a friend of mr.joseph's and she started talking to him, while he was burning incense and doing some hare krishna ritual im guessing, and he said we could stand on stage while they played. that was seriously so neat to see cro-mags for my first time, from that angle. all the people piled up, stage dives, etc. and just the intensity that dude has at like 40 is crazy. hah manny goes to me "i hope i look that good when im 40"... i don't think any of us will haha, then after went to applebees with a buncha people, it was a good end to the night.

everythings pretty alright

christmas

grandparents just called, amazing how a short phone call can ruin my christmas spirit, really trying to not let it tho; they're moving back to japan, thank god

no more awkward phone calls pretending you didn't screw us over, phone calls from japan cost too much anyways hah; you didnt pay attention to us when dad was alive so why would you after he's dead go fuck yourselves, the occasional phone call on holidays hurts more than it heals; good job raising your youngest to become an alcoholic who steals his nieces and nephews inheritance, great missionary work. you were all so worried about going over there to "save" all the japanese people, that you neglected your own boys. they all came out pretty fucked up might i add. i mean most of them beat their wives, more than half your sons are alcoholics or some sort of addicts... you've done nothing to help us in the past or present, you won't in the future... honestly hope that whole side rots

merry christmas

really tho besides that little outburst today was awesome, i love my family and got some good stuff, christmas isn't as exciting as it used to be probably because i dont really care about "things" so much. theres not a whole lot i want or need, just stuff, filler, temporary happiness i don't need ya know? eh but having holiday dinner soon, relatives comming over and then idk probably waiting up for it to be my birthday, im turning 19 tomorrow which seems like a stupid age, but whatever cro-mags will be good and ill be seeing alota people i enjoy seeing so it'll be nice. jon joseph and his hare krishna back piece is something im looking forward to, hah yeah and death threat toooo

ok ok later

lucky girl

i need to start realizing that.




nights like these remind and refresh me

goodnight world

at ease

i have no clue why or how, but i have peace and calmness that i haven't had in so long. i feel like things are going how they should, and even when they aren't i'm able to relax and just know it's out of my control. i've had a lot of people come in and out of my life, but i am not holding on as tight anymore. the people who will stick around, you don't need to hold on or fight for like i have. Right now a main priority is being there for kyle, all of us are focusing on that. we're the most solid and golden group of friends i think youd ever come across. because we've been through it all together, and have always been there, no matter how far we drift. i've taken them for granted in years past but in the last year, ive really learned to value the true and beautiful things in my life. It has taken me so long to not stress over, and let go of the things i've forced, but i think ive really got it now. life isn't about what ive made it for so long, because those things are temporary, those things fade away and won't mean anything in the end. i'm trusting God, cause i know He's got a plan that i can't understand right now, but He always works it out some how.

I can't wait for Christmas, I can't wait for cro-mags on my birthday, i can't wait for my 80s dance party, and i can't wait to move into the new apartment.

i want out

I'M GETTING OUT

ive felt weighed down, and need to rid myself of any friendships that are one sided; so yeah yeah

later on



and i'm starting to realize that i'd rather have nothing than have a lie,
and sitting waiting for a life that's already passed me by.

fragile

why as soon as i forget how fragile life is, God shoves it in my face
i don't need that. i don't need to be reminded, i actually liked going a few months almost a year without really dwelling on death. Kyle's Dad just passed away tonight, we think it was a heart attack. he was playing floor hockey and just collapsed...and i just saw him at the bonfire last week.... he was joking about me spilling the oil on my shoe... i have finals and portfolios to hand in, i want to go and be there for kyler, renae and the whole family. Kyle's one of my best friends, he's who i grew up with. One of few id do ANYTHING for, and why is it that i know i won't have the words to say, or know how to comfort him when he'll need it most, so i'm going home tomorrow or thursday idk to just go and see ky. going through this myself is different than a friend, id rather this happen to me all over cause atleast it was me hurting. knowing ky is hurting so bad has made me non stop cry and i never cry... damn it dude, there's really nothing else to say

I love you Ky, God's big arms are wrapped around you and your family
and i know its hard to understand God's purpose in this, honestly seems there isn't one

damn it

i can not wait

to be home in 2 weeks, and then to move to south philly

dear lord, time speed up please
but done most of my work, just gotta finish my portfolio for enlish, and take two finals, and fall semester is FINISHED
woo!

uh life feels pretty alright for the most part

i wanted you to ask me to stay

ive pushed out a lot of the people i shouldn't have, some i should. i don't know where i stand right now. life feels weird, i feel like ive been given a lot and don't know what to do with it. i feel so alone even when surrounded by people, because i feel different than you him or her, i see things in a weird way, my mind is strange and more and more each day i see the downfalls of this. i'm bitter i guess, bitter about so many things i couldn't name one, angry at myself for not being able to find peace and frustrated with the fact that i am never satisfied with where i am at. i always feel as if i'm doing something wrong, as if im guilty of something even if im on the right track. my past weighs me down, and as much as id like to forget wrongs ive done, and wrongs that have been done to me, i can't erase these things. all the time we spent figuring things out, everytime i got scared and told you to leave me be. each time i'd tell you i had to go, i just wanted you to ask me to stay. i wanted to see if i really mattered, if you needed me around. you shouldn't test the ones you love, or ever feel like you need to. love should be certain, love should not have to be considered or debated. i want so much to say that im fine on my own, and that i don't want anyone but that isn't true. i want to be able to love, i just feel incapable sometimes. i feel like i can't do it right, and when i feel like im loving, i usualy end up hurting. a lot of my good is gone. i've gotta snap out of it and realize that the miserable person i can be so often isn't fun to be around, but sometimes i don't care and being miserable seems the only option, instead of letting myself feel something real and have it taken away.

regaurdless of how angry i am and how much i've grown to despise you, ending a friendship with someone you were close with for a while hurts, im broken over it because we became like sisters, and then i started to see you for what you really were and how different we actually were. We are nothing like eachother, i morphed into a negative, critical person the more we hung out, someone i hate now, someone im determined to kill off. You are not to blame, I am, i'm the one who stuck around for so long. i don't miss you, and i mean that. i'm frustrated with myself for wasting so much damn time.

yeah yeah
thanksgiving break tomorrow, about 5 or so days at home
Bye philladelphia for a little while

whatever

i don't want anyone around but i want someone. i hate being around people, mostly myself. the only time i feel okay is when im asleep; anxiety is my default mode. any time something good comes my way, a little glimpse of happy... i run the other direction, i guess because i know it'll end up fading in the end...im just sick of the same old same old. im sick of feeling ugly inside and out for so long, taking steps to change the outside while the inside rots and becomes even less attractive...im tired of the word friend. it's thrown around like love, thrown around to be used, abused and stepped on until it means nothing i don't know, maybe have two or three they aren't you so whatever. i don't seek a big group of "friends" i have aquaintances i hang with to pass the time and laugh with but that's really it, im realistic in the fact that when it really came down to it noone would be there. i wonder why im so hard to stick with, but then i remember i can't even stand myself. i love this city, ive enjoyed meeting many new faces but yet i feel so alone. i don't know what i'm saying, or what i'm exactly searching for. i want to move away but that would just be displacing these feelings to another location, and the start of new falty "friendships"; i sound bitter, i am. i wish i'd never called you a friend. i realize i've held on to things for the simple fact that it was familiar to me; it wasn't real love or friendship, it is what i came to know, a pattern, a cycle if you will. i don't have it in me to love at this point, maybe someday, but for now i have to give up on the idea of finding someone and falling in love, it's true i am young...i'm working on my life, getting through school, losing the weight and being healthy. i want to be someone my Mom is proud of again, i don't want to hurt my family anymore than i already have. lonliness is familiar, and you've grown distant and i've become okay with that somehow. i've contradicted myself a thousand times in this somewhat short entry

yeah bye

brotherly love

car ridin

strollin

hahahaha the belt

shes a brick house

no idea, he sucks

MAReeeesa<3> i hate dis mutha fucka

delco's finest

my gurl

B-U-G-L-E-S

Baby peanut head cave explorer

good weekend, good friends

i love this city more and more

no pride

in a country built on slavery. i never said the pledge of allegience in high school, after i was aware of the context in which it was written "with liberty and justice for all" more like liberty and justice for white america, and unfair trials, poor education, and professional prejudice for blacks. call me unpatriotic, or whatever. this has nothing to do with our troops or anything like that, i respect anyone who serves our country. And i'm happy i live here and not in Darfur, Iraq, etc....believe me i know how lucky i am...this is about us learning how great our forefathers were all through school, while they all owned slaves...i mean how good can a person be when they think they have the right to own another human being? with how advanced America always has been it seems we've always been behind with acceptance and equality no matter how much we'd like to say we've improved, have we really?

* when a black man runs for president, rather than simply focusing on his camaign and his observed lack of experience, it's no suprise to me that ignorant white america would accuse him of being a terrorist, or the equivalant to a modern day hitler or castro. A well educated black man, who got himself into Harvard has got to be a terrorist right? i mean after all he is black... oh and since he was born into the muslim faith, all muslims are terrorists right? how racist are you?...its sad that racism and bigotry are still so evident in this country today.

Obama 08 -piss off white conservative bigots, it'll be fun

hey i still need you

Dad I miss you

i really have begun to forget the sound of your voice
this isn't real to anyone but me...

I love you, and always will
I miss our dates to the movies and diner, Japan & Guam. I miss Sanfransisco and driving through the siera mountains, and yosemite national park. I miss getting you coffee. I miss you cooking dinner out back and sleep overs.

Deep inside I think i still half expect you to come home someday from wherever you are hiding, and confrim that this was all a joke. because there is so much you still need to do. you need to walk with me in my wedding. you need to see me graduate college. you need to meet my kids so they know how awesome their grandpop was...

I'm really trying hard Daddy but I can't seem to hold onto all the memories, they begin to slip more and more. There's so much unfinished business left, but maybe it was better that way. I really hope you're enjoying Heaven, because we all miss you a lot still. I can't wait to see you up there

Your boo girl forever
Kelsey

God Free, are you joking me?

in response to the trend as of recent in, anti God and "God Free" clothing lines;

I find it nuts how the same people who deny any belief in God are spending so much time rallying against Him. If you don't believe in God or a god or whatever, then why do you feel the need to acknowledge it. Are you not wasting your time hating something that isn't real? After all I do not wear shirts or post all over my myspace, "Santa Free" "Alien Free" "Easter Bunny Free" "Buddha Free" "Allaha Free" or things of that nature. I do not believe in Santa but I don't hate Santa, how can i hate something that doesn't exisit? These are fictional characters, just as God is to you. Maybe the idea for this awesome clothing line/ sudden God Free trend, should be "Religion Free" or "Church Free", because these things exisit at least and are capeable of being hated by you and for you.

Santa Free
Alien Free
Easter Bunny Free
clothing lines comming soon LOL

no doubt

i can't say that i'm proud of everything i've done

acquaintances

that is all you are, that is all i want you to be; lately i desire less and less intamacy with other people, i don't search for friends because most people make me sick. i find most people to be either stupid or pretentious, you're either an idiot and know nothing so you just suck to be around or you're educated and have built yourself up to be something far greater than you actually are. either way, i don't care to get to know you. i don't care about status anymore. really it seems like that is all that matters anymore. who knows who, who's been around longer. it's all annoying and it's just dumb. nobody just relaxes and hangs out, it's all about impressing and raising above the rest. tearing someone else down to be one step above them. NOT... real friendships seldomly exisit. it's always one person doing more than the other. One is always sucking the other dry, and the poor soul let't them because they fear if they let this one go they'll never find another, they're probably right because they lack a backbone. i don't like people. i'll die cold and alone probably. i'm okay with that, atleast it's real, atleast i won't have wasted anymore time on rediculous people who haven't been realistic in years.

LATER

anxiety

i never feel settled i don't think. i'm not sure what it is i'm looking for, a person, place or thing? no i don't even know if its any of that. maybe achievement or actual self sufficience along with success... i don't really know to be honest. i find everything wrong with myself, and that consumes my mind. i spend my time thinking of how i could look better, or be better, what i need to change and how i can do it. whether they are plausible things or not, doesn't matter still takes over my mind and keeps me from thinking about what i should probably be thinking about. i don't know if that's healthy or not but what even is, we're all fucked up in our own ways.i just feel more fucked up than most. i feel like i'll never be who or what i want to be and i can never just relax and appreciate where i am at. i zone out, i can sit and stare off and not realize it for so long, there's nothing on my mind, it's seriously just blank so it's not like im sitting there worried or anxious...i'm just seemingly dead for a little, i don't feel a thing, a cool breeze or noise snaps me out of it, but i don't know why i do it so often. i don't understand love, i don't get what makes one person care about another. what makes it imposible...the fact of relying on someone else to complete you, to make you happy seems so vulnerable, i want that, but i don't know why. it seems like it would bring nothing but hurt in the end, as it has in the past. i am so tired of the people around me, mostly myself. i hate that i am never satisfied. i hate that i hurt the people that mean the most to me and i don't know why i do it. i get so frustrated with myself, and keeping my goals and priorities in order. i constantly get off task and lose focus of what is important and what is not. sometimes i don't want to live, does that make me suicidal? or is it normal to just want to escape and not deal with the world around you, let alone yourself and all the mistakes you've made. cycles, cycles, cycles. never a good thing. why can't i get caught up in a good cycle, where i'm doing positive things, helping instead of hurting. why can i identify and know what the right thing to do is in a situation, but knowingly i chose to do the opposite? i feel empty, i feel alone. i feel like nothing can reedem me from this hell. but i'm reminded of my Savior. I'm reminded when i feel so weak that God is strong. That nothing else will fill this emptiness but Him. The things of this world are temporary, everything fades, everyone lets you down. Whether or not you believe in God, does not make Him any less real, i've realized that. He is the same God whether you worship satan, believe in no higher power, or you pray to Alah. I always questioned God's existince in the evil and destruction in this world. The natural disasters of hurricanes, floods, earth quakes, or the mass murders of the hollocaust, Rwanda, and now Darfur, or even the tragic deaths of children and young people... none of it really made sense to me, and is still hard to grasp, but I guess what i came to realize is that when God created man he gave us free will, and in doing so we had the option to do right or wrong. Rather than making us robots and controlling our every move, he allowed us to chose. In giving us free will, he ultimately allowed us to create evil ourselves, in disobeying and going against what He desired for us. With evil in the world, we couldn't have a perfect world. The hardships, and tradgedies we endure make us who we are. They challenge our character, our judgement, our integrity. So yeah, alot of things don't make sense. we always ask "why me" because it always seems we have it so much worse than everyone else. but in reality there is always someone who has it worse and someone who has it better than you. there are always things to be greatful for. God is God, so ofcourse we can't understand all of His reasoning and justification behind why he allows certain things to happen. If we could understand all of it we would be God...Matter is neither creater nor destroyed. The big bang theory in which matter combusted and formed the universe.. where did that original matter come from inorder to combust? something can not be created from nothing so i ask where this theory actually begins. Is there some magic right before in which in the begining of time matter just appeared out of thin air, and then the theory of matter came into play? i don't really understand how there could be no higher power. God is a personal thing for everyone...everyone has their reasons they do or don't believe. I know i have a lot to work on with who i am, who i have become... I know the Dude who created me dserves a lot more of my time, and less time focoused on myself and what i want, because that is never good.

i have class early and need to atleast attempt to sleep,
idk what my point in all this was, more of just rambling because i have insomnia

goodnight

"my mother is delicious"

tonight was insane.

met up with whit on the train to norristown, went to KOP with whit and ma dukes, crazy as always, had sushi, took the train back and then went to kat and liane's. saw grace's baby for the first time in a year, shes so pretty. it was so good seeing and being around people who ive missed. i really wish i could get my priorites in order and start spending time with the people who have been there and will be there in the end.... i fuck myself over in that area regularly and waste time on people who suck... headed back, went to steve's, scott told us how his mother is delicious, and how he hooked up with a hooker who had hepetitus c, but he doesn't like getting his dick swabbed. uhhmmm then grabbed my face and whit was like "make out with her" WOOAH SIR. girls singing RHCP and sublime got to be too much so we left. i do not wear my sunglasses at night.

666, hail satan
KELSEY N.
goodnight philadelphia

never stops

last night saw stars for the first time. so good. we took the subway back to temple and justine, jp, ron, and stephan got here. we walked around, i rule at rock band, hung out with pete, went over to seth's dorm and hung out with him and pat. walked back at like 430 am and everyone was asleep. woke up at 930 cause someone said travis barker died, but i was misinformed. once we wake jp up we're going to south street diner i believe. after i need to go to the art museum to write my journal for phil. arts. and culture.

but really ive been realizing some things, especially last night... it's bad when your friends have to point it out. i've become a person i don't really like at all. im so fucking condescending sometimes, and to the people im closest to. I'm really a fucking bitch a lot of the time and i need to quit it because it's not something i would enjoy being around. I never was like this, i've grown bitter and cold. A lots been taken away and i still can't value what i have... im ignorant for real.

Wednesday NFG with kurt and whit;

life as of recent

I had one of these, didn't post for a long time and forgot what email i used, so i couldn't even try and figure out my password....made a new one, back in action.

So I moved to philly about 4 weeks ago. Temple University It rules. I love the city. I love the crack heads and the stories they come up with when they try to get your money. I love and hate the freedom, i only hate it because i never sleep. Septa has become my new best friend, although I would like to get a street bike soon. There is always something going on, so many people to meet that i probably don't want to meet. I love my roommates, and the one that sucked already moved out. WHITE TRASH. Classes have been going on for about 3 weeks and I already don't do all the reading i'm given. This semester I have Sociology, Analytical Reading and Writing, Social Work, and Phil. Arts & Culture. Most of the people I hang out with live in and around the city so living there just makes it easier to hang out a lot. Late nights every night, good talks and laughing constantly. Walking everywhere, feet are always dirty and always sore. I can't wait for the rest of this year to hapen, im psyched to live and learn in the best city on the east coast.