admit: regret

first off, i am not in control, completely out of control actually. i am so quick to jump down someone's throat when they wrong me or hurt me. Usually it is not as horrible as my reaction would account for. My initial reaction to conflict or anything is pretty terrible and embarrassing really. The second i am able to collect myself and step back to see it outside my own eyes i feel rotten and apologize. although i'm sure it loses meaning after a couple of these episodes. really, how many times can you freak out and take it back, freak out, and take it back? it has to get real old. Anyone who is close to me or has been around me enough has probably experienced this in one way or another and i am so sorry for that. i need to get a better hold on my anger, my emotions in general. i am no better than the people i feel so above for whatever length of time i feel entitled to be hostile and miserable toward them. these are things my Dad did, this is what i grew up around and i see myself acting so obviously like him, and i think that is what scares me so bad, because i don't want to rip people apart like that, i don't want to make people feel low.

secondly, i feel low. lower than low can get sometimes. not always, but mostly. i feel useless, ugly, unnecessary. i've kept to myself a lot this summer. i will be asked to hang out, and sit at home because i really just care about going to the gym, how i still have a lot of weight to lose, and if i ate too many calories that day how stupid i was for doing that, how gross i am. this isn't healthy, losing weight and wanting to be healthy is, but not my mindset as a whole. this is an in and out thing. this isn't a constant. when i am out on the bay kayaking, or with friends laughing doing whatever i seriously enjoy it. it's leading up to anything, my mind is my worst enemy. this is a result of selfishness, self pity. i wallow, i self-loathe, i dwell on things, i am a baby, i need to grow up and just live, maybe just be happy with where i am at. go from there. the things in my head are so minuscule in reality, they are nothing in comparison to the suffering others endure in this world. i am constantly reminded of that yet i get stuck in these ruts. these things probably shouldn't be shared on a public blog. my mind is terrible, i'm sorry if you read this.

if you see me keep going

broken, not broken in every sense but broken in the sense of any and anything that ever had to do with you. i feel like i've always been trying to pick up all the pieces, trying to make up for things i've done to hurt you. and i never knew why i wanted to hurt you, but i did every time i sensed we were getting too close or too far. i don't think i have enjoyed time spent in so long, because i'm too concerned with trying to make it better, when i'll end up doing something to make it worse, and push you. i know i've loved imperfectly, very selfishly, i know it wasn't the love i said it was. but neither was yours. i think that's the place i'm still lost at. the things you said, the things that were never meant. i don't know what you meant, or how you meant them, but they still have the ability to sting. i've always said i'd always be there, but so much of the time i don't know how to be. i don't know how to be there completely selflessly. when you are hurting my heart sinks and i treat you as if you were an innocent, blameless child. i want to rush to your sidde and save you from what ever you are going through. i don't want you to hurt, yet i have hurt you and continue that. i know you don't have a clue of the ability you still hold to hurt me, how bad it bums me out when plans get messed up, how much i don't care what we do, i just enjoy your company. you've never had to impress me, or doing anything back. i guess i just wish my actions matched up to my words, and i wish my heart was always in the right place. i wish i could just love you from a distance, and not treat you how you treat me

action and action

this is EXACTLY what i needed. less anxiety, calming my nerves majorly

the look i saw come on your face is frozen there each time i blink

10 for 10 was good on thursday, had a lot of fun seeing a bunch of people i had missed, TUI sounded real tight, and madball as always was enjoyable.


i've seriously been a brat lately. can not recognize a good thing when it's infront of me ever. i have had nothing to say for so long but continue to talk, and that frustrates me because i only make a mess when i do that. i want to get better at keeping away from the things/people that i know are no good for me, and as a result leave more room for the important people/things i should be excited about.

BROOKLYN tomorrow, Chesapeake bay for a week after that

you only ask about my leaving

i have nothing to say, yet i continue to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk

i remember nothing

UGANDA IS 100% happening in January. Have to verify which date I will be leaving exactly, start raising money, book a flight, let temple know i am taking the spring semester off. seems kinda unreal that this is all actually happening. So depending on when i leave in january, i'd come back home the same date in march because a 3 month visa is the longest you can get there. I've already had most of the shots i need from when we went to Peru, so that won't be too bad. i'll stop talking about it so much, it's just something i've wanted to do for so long and now that it's happening i barely believe it. So there's that....

In a little over 3 weeks erika and i move into our new apartment @ 18th and girard! YAYAAY, missing the city so bad. so excited to start hanging with everyone again and cook diners/play lots of mario party.

going up to brooklyn for blacklisted with bob, kev hare, and sean so far on sunday, then the next morning leaving for family vacation in MD.

been working, saving up money, life has been kinda weird but good. lots of little surprises that i don't mind one bit. UHHH got new speakers today! can actually enjoy music in my car now & brought pres his banana bread at work. been spending a lot of time with my best friends this summer, also rules. girls night thursday w/ blake and ky probably also.