slow down

say hello to my packing buddies



do you ever have those days where it's just sort of painful to be alive? and every single thing that you do, every sentence that leaves your lips, feels like there is a milestone attatched. a milestone piled on top of all your anxities, and all your doubts or maybe that's just reality. the reality of it all. it's been one of those days for a long time. people offer distant words or half ass encouragement. usualy it just ends up being about them anyway. nobody attemps to pry it out of me which i appreciate i guess. i am content staying behind these walls. i don't have an awful life. i am trying to live, and i am trying to make it work. i am trying to make sense of why i'm here. I have to constantly remind myself who i am and who made me. i have a God who is bigger than this, no matter how distant He feels sometimes. Love and compassion for other people isn't a human characteristic, it's gotta come from something bigger than us. "we love because He first loved us". i guess i feel really lost in all of this, am i expecting and sort of terrified of it being unveiled while i'm overseas, yes. but i guess we will see. i am exited for death threat friday, and any song they play off peace and security. diner after with good friends too. there are a few people i'm going to miss a bunch for sure. i don't know how i should feel right now, i'm sort of in this, "wow, this was a great idea when i thought about it, but what in the hell was i thinking" mindset. so hopefuly it turns into something else, and i know i wouldn't be going if i wasn't supposed to be. He has a plan, always does. 3 months isn't long but i'm finally feeling crazy for doing it. whatever. i've finished most of my packing, and will return to my apartment one last time before my departure. less than a week, here we gooooo


these are a few pictures taken by someone who worked at the orphanage i will be at, Amani Baby Cottage. Here is the adress if you would like to write me or something, i'll write back, promise:

Amani Baby Cottage
Att: Kelsey Nielsen
P.O. Box 1799
Jinja, Uganda, East Africa

(don't send packages, they take months to get to the location, probably would get there after i left, BUT letters shouldn't take to long! if you give me your adress i'll send you a post card!)

need some time to find myself, i want to live within

i leave a week from today, how crazy is that? maybe only crazy to me. i planned on writing more, but now i'm just tired so i'll finish this another time.

okay what am i trying to say is i really never know what it is i am trying to say. i have a lot of ideas, i have a busy brain, so much so sometimes it seems completely inactive. so much going on that my mind is fixed on survival and that is it. most days i don't know how i end up where i end up, or doing whatever it is i end up doing. it's like i'm expecting something big to happen, something that will change things for me and how i am. awaiting the arival of something that just may never come. and that this crusade is one i must go alone forever and for always. this dissconnect between knowledge and the ability to function. i won't blame it on bad luck or misfortune, that would be suggesting i lack all cotrol. i've felt fortunate i someways recently. i've gotten close to a few people who i consider actual friends, this is the first time in a long time. in conversation with one of them and another one of her close friends i was reminded that it is important to "keep it real". a simple strategy but one we most often fail at. i think lack of sleep and copious amounts of coffee add to my racing thoughts, and blurred sense of reality. i'll settle down someday, but most likely not. anyway. i am excited. i am terrified. but let's just wait and see what's in store for me.

i take it out on my good friends, but the worst stays in

i have some ideas, i'm going to write them here in a little. hold on

sometimes when you can't speak for yourself i guess it makes sense another way.

and i also guess that sometimes you have to have nothing for little while to remember that you have something. that will make sense to you one day. and i'm still learning

you wear the clothes of a beggar, but underneath your a thief

I liked being 15 or 16 i think

You shouldn't have the power that you still do. From one extreme to the other. My mind should not afford you the ability to get at me like you still do. I said this to you but I really think that maybe I want you to feel just a small part of what you did to me. I want this all to mess with you like it used to mess with me. I don't think I'm in love with you anymore no, don't think like that please. However I still love you, I always tried to do it selflessly, and step away when I know I had to. My mind worked against me, everything you did worked against anything good it could have, but would have never been. I'd be kidding myself if I tried to pull the "I don't miss you. I just hate you", and things of the like. But as I sit at my work desk, working on mind numbing tasks, I'm left to dwell on how unloveable I really must be. And just how detached from any human emotion you are but your own desires. I know I'm pretty awful, you've reminded me plenty of times. Here's to your success at making me feel entirely disposable, and unworthy of anything you once held infront of me. Because I can't let him in now, not just him but them, and anyone else. And you know it isn't so much that I don't know how, I can not. You didn't make me crazy, I did that to myself. Hey maybe genetics and a somewhat unfortunate upbringing had something to do with it too. Regardless, where I am now, I am not sure. I've been hanging out somewhere between bad and worse.I'm looking for an escape, for a way out. Reaching up, just to have it all cave in on me again. Did I think you were capable of saving me from that, no. But there were little moments where things felt alright, and you know I felt at home. If I can't forget you, I will work on forgiving you. That's cliche, and silly. But I guess that is all I have for now. Until I am given a more creative, and possibly even a more effective remedy. I never know what I'm actualy writing about. I feel this is an attempt to produce what makes no sense in a physical form. Just to get it all down and have it still make no sense, but just reinforce how far off you really are. I will work on trying to be okay with myself, less self hate seems like a wild thought. and then maybe I will work on trying to let people love and care for me, the way I do for them. Until then I will keep giving and knowing I don't deserve to receive anything back.

but you don't mean a thing to me

work is a drag we all say it. Life is a joke, it seems trendy to be miserable. These thoughts are present to some degree in us all I guess. For some this unavoidable state of mind is more pressing and more threatening. We do the same things always. No matter what happens, who we are with. Who we think we have. At the end of the day as you crawl into bed, it is one lonely, miserable leg after the other, slipping under the covers of a bed that brings more warmth and comfort than any friend or family member has been able to offer. That's a scary reality, huh? A more terrifying truth is the instability of your own sanity. Something that is yours. The only thing you really have all of the time is slipping away from you. Unable to love the right ways, unable to think and react like you are expected to and know you should. Trapped in your mind, nobody wants that. I know I don't. I'd like to feel okay for 1 day, and not fake okay. allowing myself to be nursed by so called friends, or meaningless experiences i could most certainly do without. but i mask it, and i keep busy. and that is all i know. i don't know if i have ever been too sure what it is I'm looking for. I guess I put a lot of expectation in leaving and things making more sense when I do. Now I'm just more apprehensive. I guess i just don't want to feel bad. I want to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning feeling something more than the exterior. Interior vs. Exterior. I always think this should be more simple and that I should be able to decide to just change things and not feel so defeated all the time. This winter break has been weird. A lotta wild stuff happened I guess. I really did enjoy a lot of it I think. Its just a lot. I'm scared to leave some people behind, I didn't think I'd be saying that. A few are starting to mean more than they maybe should. Its wild when you can see the people around you really looking at you or treating you like a crazy person. I let some people in and some people know a little bit. But never tell anybody everything ever. None of this even made sense. I'm bored at work and always feel like it could be useful to update this for some reason. I'm not even sure what that reason is. I'll cut me off now. well i promise to make up for these with nothing but cool, exciting things that happen in Uganda. i leave in 3 weeks, don't forget about me, on second thought, do.

i'm living in a hole and I want to go deeper

i wanted to write here, i'm not sure why i ever do but i do. i'll be honest some day. and i'll get stronger some day.

i almost climbed the stairs

THIS HAS BEEN MY WINTER BREAK SO FAR, WHAT?