seekers of the truth

i'm a few hours into te next decade of my life. my 20's. pretty WILD right. Ha i mean never really thought of it being a big deal, until last night as i was falling asleep. i realized in these next 10 years,some of the most important things will be happening or "should" be happening. graduating college, finding a job, doing my masters in social work (most likely), meeting my husband (HAH) and starting a family? Buying a house? a lot is supposed to happen in these next 10 years. am i ready? no way. i'll take it as it's handed to me, and go from there. it's crazy think of some or any of that happening. well, i had a really okay christmas, and okay birthday. i don't know why i was bummed to turn 20, but i was. mom treated us to Thai which is always nice. awful weather, trying to get my things together, and i finally found myself back in the city around some of my favorite people. i made some people happy with christmas gifts,and i think that was my favorite part. i got some ridiculous stuff from hober and chad, and april got me the best things ever. she spent way too much on me. barco suprised me with a cake, and a gift. it was just a nice way to end a mediocre couple of days. tonight is what i've been siked on anyways. running some errands, going to cro-mags, and then having people over after for my birthday. i am lucky i think, please remind me of that.

it's getting harder to feel it any more

right now it is 8:41am on monday, december 21st. 4 days til christmas, and 5 til i turn 20. my apartment is freezing, and i need to get home for a dr. appointment at 1pm. i spent the last 3 days with some good friends, and non-stop laughter. the memorial day demo was played at least 12 times in the course of 72 hrs. i had no sense of time, the snow was good to us. well, i have to get my things together to head home, and i can not wait.

peace

once upon a time

not the fairy tale, the memorial day song.

ever sit back and take in how quickly people come in and out of your life? pretty wild. the semester is over finally, and as i handed in my last paper this morning i felt anxiety ease a bit. walking out of anderson i could finally take a deep breath for the first time in months. you are so tense kelsey, so tense. i got an "i'm sorry", yesterday followed by silence. i didn't appreciate that. not at all, what is that supposed to mean to me. i've been listening to the memorial day demo, cat power, and acoustic bayside way too much lately. it may just be keeping me here. i also recieved a phone call from my mom while i was with some friends last night. she called me crying, and i could not tell you the last time i heard my mom cry. She called because she missed my Dad, and said, "it's just hard this time of year, i miss him, i miss what things could have been for all of us now". Now i love my Dad too, and ofcourse i miss him, but is it bad that none of that has crossed my mind in a while. i don't really think about what could have been because it just isn't. he isn't here, and that is what it is. i've gotten close to a couple new people, some i'm getting to know better. i like where some friendships are headed. with the fall 2009 semester behind me, bring on Christmas things, 2010, and Uganda. i've got things to learn, and places to go.


this is still so beautiful to me

oh yes, ps: last minute visit to devon's shore house last night was the best last minute decision. Barco is home which is great. rode there with her, pinto, preston, and eric. bob joined us on the way home. just being around good friends is nice. we went out on the beach around midnight, not a single person around. the sky was completely clear, and seeing all the stars out, and running around on the beach in the 20 degree weather with friends was the perfect end to this week.

.013

writing this from my cacoon of blankets in my comfy bed. would not mind never leaving this spot ever. as of late i have a hard time with the world around me, and it's more of a self fought battle against my own mind, i guess it always has been. i had a good talk with my Mom yesterday afternoon, and she reassured me that it shows a lot that i acknowlege it. that my dad, he just never even thought there was something wrong with how he was. it's scary when it's not just you seeing your Dad in yourself, but the people around you do aswell. like she said, it's negative and positive, but i have to constantly stay ahead of the negative. i won't let this thing take hold of me, no medicine this time, it won't consume me entirely. feeling your grasp on reality and control of your mind slip slowly out from under you is pretty terrifying. i'm not something i would invest in, because i have the capacity, just like him to hurt you. keeping it together, looking at 3 A's and 2 B's this semester. i turn 20 in like two weeks, oh yeah and christmas too, that's weird. i leave for Uganda in about 7 weeks. still pretty unreal. i won't have room for head stuff there, but like mom said, i can't run from it.

i think chan marshall kind of gets it


"She was wearing a pair of my pajamas with the sleeves rolled up. When she laughed I wanted her again. A minute later she asked me if I loved her. I told her it didn't mean anything but that I didn't think so. She looked sad. But as we were fixing lunch, and for no apparent reason, she laughed in such a way that I kissed her."

enslaved i can't be saved

so here i am, almost 3am, i have class tomorrow and my left eye is still twitching from lack of sleep or lack of bananas. yeah, gotta be sleep. I made the mistake of putting on the new Blacklisted LP for the first time in its entirety. and it is exactly what i needed to hear. hearing them play "i'm trying to dissapear" a few times this year got me siked, but i wasn't expecting this. I'm just grateful that there is still a band after years of seeing them, that i still have faith in, and that i can pay for a record without listening to any of it, knowing they won't let me down. A definite postive progression in their music careers in my eyes, pretty neat.

This weekend was awesome for the most part, my brain wanted to shut down during the whole thing, but not to worry. I stayed ahead of it with lots of coffee, and parties parties parties. Joe Pitt's 21st was a lot of fun, and if you know me, you know tired kelsey is the worst, and most likely more awful than any drunk person (excluding erika and april ofcourse). Ricky's suprise party was sucessful, and i'm glad. I a had a lot of fun there as well. Seeing Lily all three days of the weekend was an added bonus.

i turn 20 in 20 days, i don't like the sound of that.

going through the motions always,


to be 13 again

.012

Happy Thanksgiving from the Nielsen family (pre-view of the 2009 Nielsen Christmas card)



I am thankful.

Thankful for having more than i deserve at all. for having love in my life. for a mother who has loved me unconditionaly, through all of the bull shit i have put her through (and it's been pretty bad). Thankful for the times when God's love is real to me, and i can see a purpose in things. I am thankful that He has a love for me that far outweighs all the times i turn my cheek. Thankful for forgiveness, and for fresh starts. Thankful for my Pup, she makes me smile every time i walk in the door. Thankful for food to eat (in that i need to be respectful of it and be healthy). Thankful for being able to go to school and get an education, despite the frustration or monotonoay of it all. Thankful for getting to go to Uganda in 2 months. Thankful for friends who have loved me when i was pretty unlovable. Thankful for Jessie Gaul, Danielle Sheldon, Kyle Henley. Thankful for people who i've met and learned something from. Thankful for people who have confronted me or helped me grow up. Thankful for honey crisp apples, purple grapes, sugar free red bull. Thankful for having less and less care about consumerism, and having nice things. Thankful for other friends who are real and i can have fun with.

Today I wrote out 4 notes to my Mom, Elise, Josh, and Brian. I just wrote what I was thankful for about them. I just wanted to do it, and i think i'll start doing it every year maybe. Working on being less selfish, less demanding of instant gratification. Elminating selfish desire would be nice, that won't happen but i guess just working towards it maybe i'll get somewhere. maybe not.


Saw brand new twice this tour, drove up to CT last night with april, was the best brand new set i've ever seen. I'm glad we went.

Goodnight

.011

hi, i help others because i know that nobody can help me. because i want to do so many things and go so many places. every day i wake up and wish i hadn't. and it feels awful when you walk out the front door with that mindset and you see a homeless individual with a drug addiction and/or mental disorder, and you feel nothing but guilt for feeling so miserable. how can these things manifest, and stick around for so long, when i have a place to live, i have people who love me. dad i miss you, but i deserved to tell you what you put me through. i've been through some things, but i've met people who have seen far worse. i know what i have, i know what i should be able to do. if it were that simple, it would be that simple, and i would not wake up and go to bed feeling completely void of any importance or emotion, regardless of the events i have experienced that day, or have to look forward to. what a joke. i'm my own hell, seriously have always just been fighting a war against myself, i can't remember a day with a clear mind, but that would be nice. I can't save myself, how do you save yourself when you are the problem

.010

...yeah kinda like that

.009

i can not wait for christmas time, i am already downloading/listening to christmas music. i can't wait for colder weather, ginger bread houses, christmas plays, trans-siberian orchestra, driving around looking at christmas lights, christmas at the zoo, buying gifts for people i love, christmas morning, my birthday the day after. always think it would be nice to share this with someone, almost every year things are rocky around this time, and i haven't enjoyed it as much in the recent past. but i will this year, christmas is too good to be missing something that was never even there.

.009

i can't do for you what you can't do for yourself, and i can't be what you want me to be, by the time i become that, i'll be gone, we'll both be far from close. so this is me saying so long. i have never been good at standing idle by waiting for the small possibility you may need me in the time to come. you'll grow out of this, you've got a lot inside, but nothing i can offer you that you won't resist to no end. i refuse to compete for you, with you, for your attention, for your friendship. i don't know what you want or what you expect from a friend, but it shure as hell doesn't look like this. it is okay to see things close out, or come to an end, or even just to close in on it for a while. you don't feel like home anymore. so bye, later, i'll be seeing you, and when i do i'll know you far less than i do now.

.008

this weekend was perfect, spent time with a bunch of good friends, met some neat new people. saw my middle school self resurface at the electric factory when jude law/seventy times 7 were played. but i should have alowed more time for homework. ohh wellp, i think i did well on my exam today anyway. 2.5 months. 4 more weeks of school, then finals, then christmas. I CAN NOT WAIT!

.007

t-minus 12ish weeks and counting; can not wait, can not wait ahhhh

okay okay; just one little frustration, you know the feeling when you can't think or try to figure out anything you want to think about or try to figure out. when life, school, people, work, the internet, take up all of YOUR brain time, and make it THEIR brain time. yeah, that feeling. I HATE THAT FEELING. It is extremly limiting, but what else would you expect when your mind is being taken over, flooded by everything you want to just run away from. Because maybe things would make a little more sense, maybe if we stepped outside we wouldn't actually be doing a lot of this at all? I have no clue because I don't think i've really done this, I've tried, the thought is nice right? What would we really gain from it, the push and pull of our every day lives keeps us busy and maybe what we do through out the day is useful in not allowing us to think too deply, or when we do it is almost indefinitly interupted. We probably wouldn't like what we found, yeah we think we're bad now, right?


forever my favorite lyrist ever ever ever.

.006

Ahh so i didn't remember today was my Dad's birthday until my mom said, "you're dad would have turned 54 today". weird because i knew it was my older brother's birthday, but it slipped my mind that the two of them always shared the november 7th birthday... Dad you didn't even make it to your 50th birthday, i know you would be feeling really old today. i miss ya a lot, and i really love you. just wish forgetting you/things about you didn't come with time. i wish i could preserve everything good and relive it by memory or in my dreams. please keep watching over us, we need you still. i hope God tells you about the good things that are going on in our lives, i know he wouldn't bother you with the bad up there. i don't know if you would be proud of me right now, i hope you would be. i've come a long way, i'm definitely a shell of the 14 year old k girl youd left behind, but i'd still let you take me out on movie/dinner dates, i'd still run out to your autobody shop when i needed help or just needed to cry. i don't cry so much anymore. sometimes i don't think i miss you enough, but it's been 5 years, i think you've helped us with that. have fun up there, i bet it's neat. i hope God tells you these sort of things. Happy Birthday Dad, God throws better birthday parties than us anyways.

.005

Okay this soundtrack is perfect in every way. I have seen the movie twice, and plan on seeing it again. You should see it if you haven’t. A lot about self realization in a new and bright concept, bright in the innovation of it, not the tone of the movie, the movie is rather dark in that area. The self realization of a child, the journey we are all on in a more basic and beautiful form. Children have less baggage and don’t have an image to maintain. They hurt in raw form, out in the open for all to see.

I don’t want to whine or complain, because really who wants to hear that? I know I don’t. Our lives are far less great than we make them out to be, not in a glass half empty sort of way, but in that we all become a little egocentric in regard to our own existence. We have this idea that everyone around us cares so much about what we do or don’t do, that if we mess up or let someone down it is the ultimate end of the world. Hey, it really isn’t right? I mean chances are whatever you are doing is hardly a concern for the majority of the people you feel it is. They have much more important things to worry about than you cancelling plans or taking a semester off from school. We form this schema in which success must look like. That if we do not go to college, graduate in 4 years, and get a job, we are lazy and doing nothing with our lives. More and more I am hating this concept. I think maybe I would enjoy school a little more if it wasn’t forced upon me, if it was something I just wanted to do, rather than I requirement . I really am the last person to be speaking about this.

So here is November, and I am nowhere near the goals I had set. I won’t stop working towards them. I think it is taking a lot more than I expected, and harder to overcome the things I would like. This idea of piety and selflessness has seemed to come up in a lot of my courses this semester. An interesting concept that there can never really be a completely pious or altruistic individual, can an individual exist solely for the good of others? I think in every act of kindness and “selflessness” there is a bit of selfishness, in the good feeling we get from helping or in the reaction we get from those we help. I don’t know, that’s an argument that doesn’t really have a reachable conclusion.

004.

Well we won, now to the world series. Living in this city has made baseball grow on me, never thought i'd say that.

stayed home instead of going anywhere today.

i found this list of alternate things to do on a date, i thought some were neat and someday when i find someone who doesn't weird me out/someone who can stand me, i'd like these things very much so.

6. Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.

8. Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.

10.Dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.

11.Do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever.

12.In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.

18.Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn


but i like 12 most

003.

hope this happens tonight, or to some extent, regardless, Phillies win, i will be down in center city to witness Philadelphia at its worst/best.

Things have been falling apart in little ways around me, bike accident, computer crashing, my love life is a mess as always ( i know i know, i'm the cause for this one), but honestly i just feel a little crazy, a little less surprised by each thing that goes wrong, and a little bit more nostalgic for a time where i had much less responsibility, and the responsibility i did have, i didn't really have to answer for. wait, did i ever have that?
side note: NYC, and that whole weekend was really fun. riding up & back with everyone and doing merch w/ danielle for MOM was a nice break from sitting in my drafty apartment working on a computer with a failing hard drive. Definitely very interesting. We got pulled over twice in one night, first time Bob was driving the van, second time I was driving us back to the city, and I got pulled over for running a red. Somehow we got off with warnings for both of these, no clue how. It Good to see the people in NY who are always a pleasure to see.

i'm just tryin to live

i see God in verbs, and satan in long words

there is something in an empty bed that makes it hard to close your eyes


this is fall right, usually my favorite season, time for warmer clothes, hot beverages, pumpkin picking, hay rides, spooky things, all things fall have always been exciting for me. instead this year i just feel out of sorts. i just don't know, and i guess that is all i have to offer. i don't know how to feel or if i feel at all on a couple of different things. i am quite unsatified with progress in many areas of my own life. it is almost as if when my world becomes hectic and involving a few too many things, i lose care for all of it. i guess i have trouble narrowing my focus and attention on certaint things, i'm just overwhelmed. i want so bad to pull away for a day or forever and just go do things that don't feel so meaningless or trival in the long run. it's funny because while i know school is going to better my future, i am so cold toward it this semester so far. i just need to shake it off and find some way to keep my head clear.


These 3 albums have been on constant repeat for this season, and will remain that way, Brand New- Daisy, Death Cab- Plans, The Jealous Sound- Kill Them with Kindness.

That is all.

001.

I didn't like this new album when i first heard it, it has grown on me. pretty miserable.




hey, you i miss you. but please don't come back


into another

a lot of things have made absolutely no sense lately. i mean, more so than normal. the loss and addition of many things, some things i would have liked to not gain. some things are better left unsaid. I go to sleep and wake up to the sounds of the city, the sirens, the 24-hour trolly at it's regular intervals. it can silence your mind at times when you realize how much is going on around you and just how small your own world is. I've got to do what's best in the long run, and i know that some of the things i want right now won't be. and that's okay. Today was really sad, seeing the class you graduated with, teachers, etc. in tears, and just the loss of a really awesome girl, who had so much to live for. I'm praying hard for Jenny's close family and friends. Rest In Peace Jenny Blees, 19 is way too young.

i was the one with the world at my feet

I've never lived life like i don't have tomorrow, i don't know what it will take for me to develop a good quality of life, to cut out the things that i know i need to, and to not lose sight of what i know i can hold on to.

plans

rediscovering things is awesome, this album will be my soundtrack to this fall, exactly what i need.

but it's still only stupid talk

in light of this weekend

had a lot of fun up in new york this weekend. china town bus was a little terrible but whatever. caught up with some people, good hanging out. adventures always are a bit refreshing. also breakdown was seriously awesome, jeff had his kids all there, ended with a world peace cover, neat. lots of iced coffee was consumed and i suffered for the cause on the ride home. monotony is not always a bad thing, something i need in some areas of my life to prevent me from straying away from what i want to achieve. it doesn't feel good a lot of the time, but it's safe, and safe is what i can afford for now. call me boring, right now i couldn't agree with you more.

static

4 months 4 months 4 months, just make it these 4 months

everyone feels like you

Barco's going away party tonight. weird she is really leaving for california. i'm stuck here for now, dodging the things that maybe i shouldn't and holding on to the things i most certainly know, no matter how tight of a grip, i will never be able to hold on to. well classes are alright. 18 credits is a lot, and i am feeling the work load. I get overwhelmed, and then it is okay. like anything in my life, if i learn to breahthe and take a few steps back i would act more according to reason than feeling. the initial reactionary kelsey would be replaced with a girl who's got a better hold on things, more control if you will. i would hopefully make better decisions that didn't hurt people, at least not as often. maybe i would like to learn, i mean really learn from past mistakes in the placement of priorities, the relationships i put so much into, the feelings that are only that and only temporary. move in the direction of reality. friendships for what they are or are not, and not what i would like them to be. keeping to myself and getting school work done/ letters mailed out for Uganda isn't all that bad, yes more classes is a direct cause of the more alone time, but in all honesty it isn't so bad sometimes. all together i just do not want to be stuck where i am at ever, positive change in the physical, and mental areas of my life, and loving the people who i know for a fact love me need to be top priority over "fun". sometimes when fun has become the center of my world i lose myself faster then i know. i betray myself and others in that i am not being true to my nature or my intentions. it is a constant thing isn't it?

we both forget all of the past and it's regret

i'm betting i'm not

all i've been listening to lately

http://www.mediafire.com/?bjjztbmyryj




http://www.mediafire.com/?bvvcbzojyyw

thanks justin

empty bottles, broken hearts

i was really into this umbrellas self titled in middle school, and i can not for the life of me find a way to download it now.


when i woke up today i started a dream journal, i don't know why, i guess just to keep track of these crazy dreams i've been having in the last few months. twice in the last month my dad has been in my dreams, strange but awesome, i haven't dreamt about him in over 2 years

on the safest ledge

"the person you are meant to be with should feel like home"

i like this concept, i really thought i felt at home, i want to feel at home again even if it's for little bits at a time.

Thick´-head`ed

a.1.Having a thick skull; stupid.

life effect

first day of classes was today. verizon is not setting up our internet til the 8th, which is nice and very annoying at the same time. jackee is one of my TA's in psych as a social science which is pretty neat. erika and i are sitting in the tech center right now. thinking about removing myself more and more from different things and people. we went to the gym today, good to be back in the swing of things i guess, going through the motions sometimes gets to me and i feel so routine. saw lily last night! was awesome, it was seriously so good to see her. life is good for real i just have to keep telling myself that

shape of the fear

accident prone

The Science of Sleep: a Michel Gondry film, same guy who did Eternal Sunshine. Strange but very good, do reccomend.


Stephane: No! I don't want to be your friend anymore! I don't want to be your friend anymore! Do I have to nail it on your door? "I don't want to be your friend."
Stéphanie: No you, you can't, you can't stop being my friend.it's not something people can decide.
Stephane: Oh yeah they can. People have an argument and they stop talking to each other.
Stéphanie: Okay then lets have a date or something and we can talk about things if thats whats you want.
Stephane: Whats the point you'll just want me as your friend and then you'll have a really nice boyfriend and that will kill me.

it's hard to pull yourself up when you're down this low

that whole eternal sunshine of the spotless mind thing would be neat right now. when asked to erase you, forget about you i'm not positive how i am to go about that when you were so ingrained in my life for the last 4+ years. if nothing has changed in the last couple years, it most likely won't in the future. although i hope someday when we are both happy we can meet up, catch up, since that whole memory eraser thing doesn't exist yet. i'd like to know the things you do, what you get to experience, and who with when we are older and past all of this. i really hung onto every word, to the extreme. i held on to something that never was ya know. you said you still cared like you used to but that we were moving forward in two completely different ways with our life, and how it would never work. i don't know if that was supposed to give me closure, it more or less just messed with my head more than it should have. our attempt at being friends was a pretty wacky thing wasn't it, we were both too stubborn and couldn't see things through eyes besides our own. you know i wish you the best. i don't harbor any hate for you, i acted out of frustration more so than not. bums me out that toward the end you saw only the negative sides of me, and maybe that is all i allowed you to see. i have learned a lot about how to care/ love someone, and how not to. you've taught me a lot, i'm still learning, obviously i still have a lot to work on. i'm gonna miss good times, but we are not who we were, trying to keep something together that has changed too much on either end will ware you out and kill you in the end.

you're just running in place from fear inside of you

i like this, specifically shadow of lies, and never again. i get bummed out that he died and i could never see a reunion, they are one of the few bands i'd travel far to see and it will never happen. RIP skip



also i can not get over her new album, especially this song. thank you april for showing me this.

did i force your hand to move like mine

okay so recently i've had a lot of long talks about many areas of life, with a few different friends. Nothing solved anything, but got me rethinking and really questioning why i still allowed some people to be any part of my life. One of these friends told me i need to be a little more harsh with people, i need to be able to ignore and move on from someone who has abused my friendship in more ways than one. He told me that when i saw you this past weekend i needed to just walk the other way and pretend like you don't exisist, because isn't that only fair? i am not a big fan of fair, or of holding grudges. i am usualy terrible at staying angry at someone, and even now i didn't want this to be one of our big fall outs. i just want there to be no communication between you and i, i want to forget everything and just keep it in the past. because each time you let me down and chose to put me behind every other single thing in your life it just digs up those skeletons i would have liked to keep burried. you had too much control, and now when i see you i don't see through you, i see past you and i'd rather not look you in the eyes ever again. you have never made me feel like i was a worth while part of your life, let alone made me feel like you wanted me around. please, i wish you the best. instead of playing the "nobody ever sticks around" card, and guilting people into sticking around. maybe you should look into why people have found it so hard to stick around and be true to you, even your best friends, have you been true to them? i mean maybe i'm a little bitter that i allowed you to mean way more to me than i ever meant to you. maybe i am frustrated that even when i tried to express how much you mean to me you never seemed to care about that. i could have never done enough to get you to notice, or understand that i just wanted to be by your side. and i don't want this to be a selfish move, i guess it kind of is, but i don't know how to fit into your life at all.

okay that was more than i wanted to say. i did love you, i don't love who you are. if you question if i still care, ofcourse i do, and i told you i always will. but i don't know you and i don't want to know you anymore.

goodbye

fair-weather friends are keeping score

I was somewhere under all of that. I can honestly 100% say i have never enjoyed a set more than I did during Suicide File on friday night. They played every song I wanted to hear, I was disgusting after it and it ruled so much.

This weekend was real neat. Met some new people, housed a bunch of friends/ friends of friends. Saw a lot of friends from all different places. Other highlights included, mario party til about 6am and vince being drunk and i still didn't win, burning my foot with hot eggs, i still don't know how i managed that. sweating out more water than i consumed in the last week in the sweat box known as the starlight ballroom. blacklisted's set, and the new song was so erie and so good. can not wait for that album. buffalo bill sending us home on the right foot. most likely i forgot the actual cool things that happened this weekend. but all in all. this weekend ruled, TIH has improved every year, I don't even know what to expect for next year. excited.

back to the real world, school starts in 2 weeks, so crazy. Back to working my office job at CIL for Temple. This summer has been pretty alright but i think i'm ready to be a grown up again.

life goes on

the last few days have been really good for the most part. having people over, seeing people i haven't seen in years, and them paying me back in tattoos. spending time with april, we seriously are too much and everyone that is around us together probably wants to pull their hair out. getting everything finished in the apartment, growing increasingly excited for this weekend :)

i am learning to be okay with improvement, to grin an bear my insecurities and just enjoy the things/people around me. nothing forced will ever be good for me and i am okay with being patient.

and i still don't know why

need the end to set me free

moved in for the most part. that's our apartment, while we were unpacking and stuff. also a little family thing for josh's 18th birthday last week.

exctied, kinda want school to start. excited i will be seeing suicide file in a little over a week from now. excited to see many people next week/spend time in the new place. tonight i am going to the diner tonight with a bunch of girls i grew up with, through elementary/middle/half of high school. we grew apart, but it's nice they still want to get together and catch up. honestly don't know how this will go considering they've all remained good friends still and i haven't hung with them in over 3 years. should be okay.

i made roughly 1,000 bucks in the last 2 weeks from working. no more work for this month, lotsa gym time, lotsa hang out time.

respect

admit: regret

first off, i am not in control, completely out of control actually. i am so quick to jump down someone's throat when they wrong me or hurt me. Usually it is not as horrible as my reaction would account for. My initial reaction to conflict or anything is pretty terrible and embarrassing really. The second i am able to collect myself and step back to see it outside my own eyes i feel rotten and apologize. although i'm sure it loses meaning after a couple of these episodes. really, how many times can you freak out and take it back, freak out, and take it back? it has to get real old. Anyone who is close to me or has been around me enough has probably experienced this in one way or another and i am so sorry for that. i need to get a better hold on my anger, my emotions in general. i am no better than the people i feel so above for whatever length of time i feel entitled to be hostile and miserable toward them. these are things my Dad did, this is what i grew up around and i see myself acting so obviously like him, and i think that is what scares me so bad, because i don't want to rip people apart like that, i don't want to make people feel low.

secondly, i feel low. lower than low can get sometimes. not always, but mostly. i feel useless, ugly, unnecessary. i've kept to myself a lot this summer. i will be asked to hang out, and sit at home because i really just care about going to the gym, how i still have a lot of weight to lose, and if i ate too many calories that day how stupid i was for doing that, how gross i am. this isn't healthy, losing weight and wanting to be healthy is, but not my mindset as a whole. this is an in and out thing. this isn't a constant. when i am out on the bay kayaking, or with friends laughing doing whatever i seriously enjoy it. it's leading up to anything, my mind is my worst enemy. this is a result of selfishness, self pity. i wallow, i self-loathe, i dwell on things, i am a baby, i need to grow up and just live, maybe just be happy with where i am at. go from there. the things in my head are so minuscule in reality, they are nothing in comparison to the suffering others endure in this world. i am constantly reminded of that yet i get stuck in these ruts. these things probably shouldn't be shared on a public blog. my mind is terrible, i'm sorry if you read this.

if you see me keep going

broken, not broken in every sense but broken in the sense of any and anything that ever had to do with you. i feel like i've always been trying to pick up all the pieces, trying to make up for things i've done to hurt you. and i never knew why i wanted to hurt you, but i did every time i sensed we were getting too close or too far. i don't think i have enjoyed time spent in so long, because i'm too concerned with trying to make it better, when i'll end up doing something to make it worse, and push you. i know i've loved imperfectly, very selfishly, i know it wasn't the love i said it was. but neither was yours. i think that's the place i'm still lost at. the things you said, the things that were never meant. i don't know what you meant, or how you meant them, but they still have the ability to sting. i've always said i'd always be there, but so much of the time i don't know how to be. i don't know how to be there completely selflessly. when you are hurting my heart sinks and i treat you as if you were an innocent, blameless child. i want to rush to your sidde and save you from what ever you are going through. i don't want you to hurt, yet i have hurt you and continue that. i know you don't have a clue of the ability you still hold to hurt me, how bad it bums me out when plans get messed up, how much i don't care what we do, i just enjoy your company. you've never had to impress me, or doing anything back. i guess i just wish my actions matched up to my words, and i wish my heart was always in the right place. i wish i could just love you from a distance, and not treat you how you treat me

action and action

this is EXACTLY what i needed. less anxiety, calming my nerves majorly

the look i saw come on your face is frozen there each time i blink

10 for 10 was good on thursday, had a lot of fun seeing a bunch of people i had missed, TUI sounded real tight, and madball as always was enjoyable.


i've seriously been a brat lately. can not recognize a good thing when it's infront of me ever. i have had nothing to say for so long but continue to talk, and that frustrates me because i only make a mess when i do that. i want to get better at keeping away from the things/people that i know are no good for me, and as a result leave more room for the important people/things i should be excited about.

BROOKLYN tomorrow, Chesapeake bay for a week after that

you only ask about my leaving

i have nothing to say, yet i continue to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk

i remember nothing

UGANDA IS 100% happening in January. Have to verify which date I will be leaving exactly, start raising money, book a flight, let temple know i am taking the spring semester off. seems kinda unreal that this is all actually happening. So depending on when i leave in january, i'd come back home the same date in march because a 3 month visa is the longest you can get there. I've already had most of the shots i need from when we went to Peru, so that won't be too bad. i'll stop talking about it so much, it's just something i've wanted to do for so long and now that it's happening i barely believe it. So there's that....

In a little over 3 weeks erika and i move into our new apartment @ 18th and girard! YAYAAY, missing the city so bad. so excited to start hanging with everyone again and cook diners/play lots of mario party.

going up to brooklyn for blacklisted with bob, kev hare, and sean so far on sunday, then the next morning leaving for family vacation in MD.

been working, saving up money, life has been kinda weird but good. lots of little surprises that i don't mind one bit. UHHH got new speakers today! can actually enjoy music in my car now & brought pres his banana bread at work. been spending a lot of time with my best friends this summer, also rules. girls night thursday w/ blake and ky probably also.

summer

Thought i'd go home a star, instead i went home broke and tired

i got myself into this, and i can get myself out

cause i'm still not sleeping, thinking i've crawled home from worse than this

Josh graduated on this past friday, neat and now he's going to be joing me at Temple in the Fall. I'm happy cause i can maybe keep a better eye one him being at the same school.

Uganda is 90% happening in the Spring. Amani Baby Cottage said they would like me to come in January but they have to be positive they have room in the guest house and have to read over my recomendation letter.

Been working a lot of weekends, making pretty good money and saving most of it as well. Tomorrow my Mom, sister and myself are going to the Jersey shore, which I am so excited for. just to lay on the beach and get polish water ice.

Erika and I move into our new apartment at 19th & Girard on August 1st. Music fest is that same week so it will be hectic moving stuff and working a lot. looking forward to living there tho, can't wait for everyone to see it.
*** excited for TIH as well 4th year, but first time living in the city while it's happening. suicide file, VOD, Floorpunch, Blacklisted, etc.

July we go to Maryland, and actually am kinda siked for that too because I think all the families that used to go will be there the same time so it'll be good to see/hang with everyone.



As for life as a whole. right now it feels pretty good. We had a girls night last monday and Jo said to me, " you know kels, you've really turned your life around this past year, physically, mentally, emotionally. you're nothing like the Kelsey we knew 2 years ago". my reaction was, "Oh well, I still have a lot to work on". and as much I should take a compliment sometimes, I think it's hard for me because I am the only one who really knows the demons i still face, the things i am still struggling with and what i can't let go of. i know i have definitly made progress in many areas, and i'm greatful for that.
I want to work on talking less and listening more. I think i get too excited in things i am doing/plan on doing that it must seem i enjoy talking about myself, it has to. i don't want to come across like that, i just want to do the things i love and continue working on bettering myself in every area of my life. i've closed a lot of possibly promising doors with people, simply because i know i am not ready to love someone right. i'm always changing, always learning, thankful for what i've been given and trying to accept what's been taken.

so many foreign roads

i am incapable of letting you know just how much you really mean to me. i am so sorry for all the ways i've hurt you, and all the things i've done or said that make me seem so terrible. i know i have been. part of me hopes we always come back to where we once were, the realistic part reminds me we are better off parting and never speaking again. you'll always be in my memory and i would like to remember more good than bad, but that's just it, there's not all that much for me to hold on to. we are no good together, you're fine when we're apart and i'll learn to be. i wish you the best, i hope you can forgive me or just forget me.

got it all wrong

can't trust anybody, not even me

stupid

kids i work with are smoking weed and drinking beer, im going to bed.


maryland/DC has ruled this weekend tho, work hasn't been bad, went out to thai food in the citayyy and then went ice skating, erika, myself and like 7 of the boys we work with

gottta be up at 5am. LATER

BRING THE NOISE

i have two finals to take tomorrow, AND I DO NOT CARE AT ALL. just want to take them and be done, no more studying. erika and i are looking at two properties on girard tomorrow as well. then go home, dinner with lindsay. thursday hanging with an old friend. friday morning erika and i are heading down to DC for the weekend.

yesterday i got my tax return, 537 bucks, WAY more than i thought, feels good to have over 1,000 in my bank account for the first time this year.

constantly fighting against my own selfish desires, attempting to surrender all that is damaging.

a day for mothers

okay so yeah today i didn't spend it with my mom. I was working in Ocean City, MD. Long days, like 14 hours, but made 300 bucks, plus 30 or so in tips. I rode down and back with this lady i didn't really know, no radio on the way there and had to make conversation the whole time..the.kinda awkward, but it was okay. I got my mom a really cool necklace, treated her to dinner the other night, and made her a card and wrote a long note about it...any way what i am trying to say is this is the first mother's day in a long long time that i actually value and appreciate my Mom. I mean it, my Mom rules. She is a strong lady, and I am so lucky to have her as my Mom. She brought our family through a lot. I always resented her for a lot of things that I didn't quite understand. SHe never gave up on me, and deserved it a long time ago.

ESCAPED

YOU. for the first time i feel a peace and freedom i have not felt before. you are a part of my past, the things we went through i may not forget, but i don't hold them so close anymore. seeing you tonight i enjoyed being around you for the first time in a long time, like just enjoyed your company as a friend. I am glad we are able to be that still. we've come through a lot of things i never thought we would make it through. thank you for teaching me a lot, i will never forget you i promise. i love you and want the best for you but not in the same way i did way back if you can remember.


we never stop changing, becoming more or less of who we'd like to be. things aren't so predictable, would be boring if they were i guess.

the wolves

what consumes you becomes you. freedom from this would rule. i am more unhappy with myself than ever. externally ive got more together than i have in years. in the pit of my stomache i feel uneasy, i am never satisfied, i am all too anxious. i won't hang, i'll stay in my apartment a lot and sleep or just work out because i am not okay with myself. i am the reason i am inaccessible. i do not want to be this apathetic mess i've become. i care about getting to my goal weight, the harder i work, the more weight i lose, the less satisfied i am with myself. that seems pretty twisted right? i have done better than i expected to in school these first two semesters. I questions friendships constantly. i'd rather not waste time on people who won't be there in a few years down the road. am i filling up time? hanging just for the sake of hanging? maybe i think too far into things. i should be happy with the friendships i am confident in, people ive grown up with and just let the rest be what it will. i have to get my head on straight. i do not want this to consume me forever, but for now this is what i know, and this is what it will be.

but when i say let's keep in touch i really mean i wish that you'd grow up

I don't keep this up-to-date, figured i'd write something. So classes are basically done. I have to write a paper for my Religion final and take my Race & Inequality in America, and Stat final on the 13th and i a mDONE. weird that freshman year is comming to an end, can't say i'm upset at all. Looking back on the last year, there have been so many ups and downs. Last May i was in a MUCH different place mentally, physically, eh in every sense. I guess i should be proud of some things. exercise/ weight loss, and school have taken priority over mostly everything. It looks like i'll have straight A's this semester. I have lost 20lbs in the last 2 months, still have a long way to go to reach my goal. BUT i have that goal and i am not going to lose sight of it. Uhmm let's see, Richmond this year ruled even more than last year. Seriously lots of fun, cro-mags again were a definate highlight along with the sprinkler system going off, late nights, and the riot after saturday. Other things, let's see. My Mom and i have developed a much better relationship since i've been at school. We've worked through a lot of thing, it was mostly stuff I had to appologize for and she really is great. I'm way lucky to have her as a Mom, I feel bad that i've just now been realizing it for the first time in many years. My Dad's been gone for 5 yrs. WEIRD... not going to lie, from time to time i still wonder what it would be like if he was still here.

So school is almost over, i am excited for summer, working on losing more and more weight and being at my goal by september. Erika and i are still looking at 2bdrm places in south phillay, we will see how things work out. Doing that funnel cake and smoothie business during the summer, making some good monnnay. Beach trips with golden friends. not letting depression consume me. i've got a lot of goals, i'll reach them, and i won't remember the things we used to say.

reckless driving

i dedicate myself, i know what i want, i know what it needs to be
but i fall, it's all in my head but i can only apply it for a little bit before i mess up again. i want to succeed steadily, really. i am ashamed, and angry at myself for my past. i can't believe some of the things i've done. i need so much work, i do not know if i will ever be satisfied with myself, and that scares me.

running in place

i haven't used this in quite some time, so figured i'd pick back up on a cold rainy day. so i've moved into the new apartment. it rules for the most part. my roomates are two complete sweethearts and the place is so much bigger and more accomodating than living in White Hall, i really can't complain. we have people over a lot, seems like a constant flow of people really. don't get me wrong i love having people over, sometimes i just feel like it's all so superficial. i've been working on a lot of my character flaws, i think i've been making progress but i'm the last person who should have any say in the matter. i feel like i care less and less about what i've lost in the past. i feel weaker in a sense, just less of a desire to fight for things, friendships, love, hate. just sort of static sometimes. i don't think seeing you will be good, but part of me wants to just to know you're doing okay, and to see it in your eyes for myself. i don't know myself well, clearly because i've done a lot of things even i myself was taken back by. i want to be neggative as little as possible, and i want to love in an unselfish way. i would also love to let someone in for once and not avoid and disregard anything potentially good that comes my way.

letting go

of everything and anything, God take control because i know everytime i do i screw it up, help me. give me wisdom and strength, show me want you want me to do for you, and where you want me to go. If it's Uganda, or wherever. i want to walk where you want me... keep me humble, break my legs when they need to be broken. your love is perfect, and your grace is enough. help me love you Lord

excitement

ahhhh so so much to look forward to in this new year. 2008 wasn't so bad, it had it's ups and downs no doubt but all in all, nothing i didn't make it out of. i was real lucky in a lot of ways this year, alot of grace i didn't deserve. Brought in the new year last night with the people i love most, the golden ones. honestly have seen who will be there in the end, and that's who i spend my extra time with... so if you don't see me much or im not askin to hang, that's why. no like harsh feelings or anything, i just can recognize a friendship from an aquaintance. hah ive said this all before so this is getting overdone. anyway had alota fun, lazer tag, big blow up slide, roller skating, big bertha etc and then spendin hours talkin about 80s music with derek and matt. tomorrow is my bday party, it should be fun, who ever wants to be there will, who ever doesn't care, i really couldn't care less.

Wooooooooooo baking and cleaning and stuff
bye!