so many foreign roads

i am incapable of letting you know just how much you really mean to me. i am so sorry for all the ways i've hurt you, and all the things i've done or said that make me seem so terrible. i know i have been. part of me hopes we always come back to where we once were, the realistic part reminds me we are better off parting and never speaking again. you'll always be in my memory and i would like to remember more good than bad, but that's just it, there's not all that much for me to hold on to. we are no good together, you're fine when we're apart and i'll learn to be. i wish you the best, i hope you can forgive me or just forget me.

got it all wrong

can't trust anybody, not even me

stupid

kids i work with are smoking weed and drinking beer, im going to bed.


maryland/DC has ruled this weekend tho, work hasn't been bad, went out to thai food in the citayyy and then went ice skating, erika, myself and like 7 of the boys we work with

gottta be up at 5am. LATER

BRING THE NOISE

i have two finals to take tomorrow, AND I DO NOT CARE AT ALL. just want to take them and be done, no more studying. erika and i are looking at two properties on girard tomorrow as well. then go home, dinner with lindsay. thursday hanging with an old friend. friday morning erika and i are heading down to DC for the weekend.

yesterday i got my tax return, 537 bucks, WAY more than i thought, feels good to have over 1,000 in my bank account for the first time this year.

constantly fighting against my own selfish desires, attempting to surrender all that is damaging.

a day for mothers

okay so yeah today i didn't spend it with my mom. I was working in Ocean City, MD. Long days, like 14 hours, but made 300 bucks, plus 30 or so in tips. I rode down and back with this lady i didn't really know, no radio on the way there and had to make conversation the whole time..the.kinda awkward, but it was okay. I got my mom a really cool necklace, treated her to dinner the other night, and made her a card and wrote a long note about it...any way what i am trying to say is this is the first mother's day in a long long time that i actually value and appreciate my Mom. I mean it, my Mom rules. She is a strong lady, and I am so lucky to have her as my Mom. She brought our family through a lot. I always resented her for a lot of things that I didn't quite understand. SHe never gave up on me, and deserved it a long time ago.

ESCAPED

YOU. for the first time i feel a peace and freedom i have not felt before. you are a part of my past, the things we went through i may not forget, but i don't hold them so close anymore. seeing you tonight i enjoyed being around you for the first time in a long time, like just enjoyed your company as a friend. I am glad we are able to be that still. we've come through a lot of things i never thought we would make it through. thank you for teaching me a lot, i will never forget you i promise. i love you and want the best for you but not in the same way i did way back if you can remember.


we never stop changing, becoming more or less of who we'd like to be. things aren't so predictable, would be boring if they were i guess.

the wolves

what consumes you becomes you. freedom from this would rule. i am more unhappy with myself than ever. externally ive got more together than i have in years. in the pit of my stomache i feel uneasy, i am never satisfied, i am all too anxious. i won't hang, i'll stay in my apartment a lot and sleep or just work out because i am not okay with myself. i am the reason i am inaccessible. i do not want to be this apathetic mess i've become. i care about getting to my goal weight, the harder i work, the more weight i lose, the less satisfied i am with myself. that seems pretty twisted right? i have done better than i expected to in school these first two semesters. I questions friendships constantly. i'd rather not waste time on people who won't be there in a few years down the road. am i filling up time? hanging just for the sake of hanging? maybe i think too far into things. i should be happy with the friendships i am confident in, people ive grown up with and just let the rest be what it will. i have to get my head on straight. i do not want this to consume me forever, but for now this is what i know, and this is what it will be.

but when i say let's keep in touch i really mean i wish that you'd grow up

I don't keep this up-to-date, figured i'd write something. So classes are basically done. I have to write a paper for my Religion final and take my Race & Inequality in America, and Stat final on the 13th and i a mDONE. weird that freshman year is comming to an end, can't say i'm upset at all. Looking back on the last year, there have been so many ups and downs. Last May i was in a MUCH different place mentally, physically, eh in every sense. I guess i should be proud of some things. exercise/ weight loss, and school have taken priority over mostly everything. It looks like i'll have straight A's this semester. I have lost 20lbs in the last 2 months, still have a long way to go to reach my goal. BUT i have that goal and i am not going to lose sight of it. Uhmm let's see, Richmond this year ruled even more than last year. Seriously lots of fun, cro-mags again were a definate highlight along with the sprinkler system going off, late nights, and the riot after saturday. Other things, let's see. My Mom and i have developed a much better relationship since i've been at school. We've worked through a lot of thing, it was mostly stuff I had to appologize for and she really is great. I'm way lucky to have her as a Mom, I feel bad that i've just now been realizing it for the first time in many years. My Dad's been gone for 5 yrs. WEIRD... not going to lie, from time to time i still wonder what it would be like if he was still here.

So school is almost over, i am excited for summer, working on losing more and more weight and being at my goal by september. Erika and i are still looking at 2bdrm places in south phillay, we will see how things work out. Doing that funnel cake and smoothie business during the summer, making some good monnnay. Beach trips with golden friends. not letting depression consume me. i've got a lot of goals, i'll reach them, and i won't remember the things we used to say.