i wanted you to ask me to stay

ive pushed out a lot of the people i shouldn't have, some i should. i don't know where i stand right now. life feels weird, i feel like ive been given a lot and don't know what to do with it. i feel so alone even when surrounded by people, because i feel different than you him or her, i see things in a weird way, my mind is strange and more and more each day i see the downfalls of this. i'm bitter i guess, bitter about so many things i couldn't name one, angry at myself for not being able to find peace and frustrated with the fact that i am never satisfied with where i am at. i always feel as if i'm doing something wrong, as if im guilty of something even if im on the right track. my past weighs me down, and as much as id like to forget wrongs ive done, and wrongs that have been done to me, i can't erase these things. all the time we spent figuring things out, everytime i got scared and told you to leave me be. each time i'd tell you i had to go, i just wanted you to ask me to stay. i wanted to see if i really mattered, if you needed me around. you shouldn't test the ones you love, or ever feel like you need to. love should be certain, love should not have to be considered or debated. i want so much to say that im fine on my own, and that i don't want anyone but that isn't true. i want to be able to love, i just feel incapable sometimes. i feel like i can't do it right, and when i feel like im loving, i usualy end up hurting. a lot of my good is gone. i've gotta snap out of it and realize that the miserable person i can be so often isn't fun to be around, but sometimes i don't care and being miserable seems the only option, instead of letting myself feel something real and have it taken away.

regaurdless of how angry i am and how much i've grown to despise you, ending a friendship with someone you were close with for a while hurts, im broken over it because we became like sisters, and then i started to see you for what you really were and how different we actually were. We are nothing like eachother, i morphed into a negative, critical person the more we hung out, someone i hate now, someone im determined to kill off. You are not to blame, I am, i'm the one who stuck around for so long. i don't miss you, and i mean that. i'm frustrated with myself for wasting so much damn time.

yeah yeah
thanksgiving break tomorrow, about 5 or so days at home
Bye philladelphia for a little while

whatever

i don't want anyone around but i want someone. i hate being around people, mostly myself. the only time i feel okay is when im asleep; anxiety is my default mode. any time something good comes my way, a little glimpse of happy... i run the other direction, i guess because i know it'll end up fading in the end...im just sick of the same old same old. im sick of feeling ugly inside and out for so long, taking steps to change the outside while the inside rots and becomes even less attractive...im tired of the word friend. it's thrown around like love, thrown around to be used, abused and stepped on until it means nothing i don't know, maybe have two or three they aren't you so whatever. i don't seek a big group of "friends" i have aquaintances i hang with to pass the time and laugh with but that's really it, im realistic in the fact that when it really came down to it noone would be there. i wonder why im so hard to stick with, but then i remember i can't even stand myself. i love this city, ive enjoyed meeting many new faces but yet i feel so alone. i don't know what i'm saying, or what i'm exactly searching for. i want to move away but that would just be displacing these feelings to another location, and the start of new falty "friendships"; i sound bitter, i am. i wish i'd never called you a friend. i realize i've held on to things for the simple fact that it was familiar to me; it wasn't real love or friendship, it is what i came to know, a pattern, a cycle if you will. i don't have it in me to love at this point, maybe someday, but for now i have to give up on the idea of finding someone and falling in love, it's true i am young...i'm working on my life, getting through school, losing the weight and being healthy. i want to be someone my Mom is proud of again, i don't want to hurt my family anymore than i already have. lonliness is familiar, and you've grown distant and i've become okay with that somehow. i've contradicted myself a thousand times in this somewhat short entry

yeah bye

brotherly love

car ridin

strollin

hahahaha the belt

shes a brick house

no idea, he sucks

MAReeeesa<3> i hate dis mutha fucka

delco's finest

my gurl

B-U-G-L-E-S

Baby peanut head cave explorer

good weekend, good friends

i love this city more and more