acquaintances

that is all you are, that is all i want you to be; lately i desire less and less intamacy with other people, i don't search for friends because most people make me sick. i find most people to be either stupid or pretentious, you're either an idiot and know nothing so you just suck to be around or you're educated and have built yourself up to be something far greater than you actually are. either way, i don't care to get to know you. i don't care about status anymore. really it seems like that is all that matters anymore. who knows who, who's been around longer. it's all annoying and it's just dumb. nobody just relaxes and hangs out, it's all about impressing and raising above the rest. tearing someone else down to be one step above them. NOT... real friendships seldomly exisit. it's always one person doing more than the other. One is always sucking the other dry, and the poor soul let't them because they fear if they let this one go they'll never find another, they're probably right because they lack a backbone. i don't like people. i'll die cold and alone probably. i'm okay with that, atleast it's real, atleast i won't have wasted anymore time on rediculous people who haven't been realistic in years.

LATER

anxiety

i never feel settled i don't think. i'm not sure what it is i'm looking for, a person, place or thing? no i don't even know if its any of that. maybe achievement or actual self sufficience along with success... i don't really know to be honest. i find everything wrong with myself, and that consumes my mind. i spend my time thinking of how i could look better, or be better, what i need to change and how i can do it. whether they are plausible things or not, doesn't matter still takes over my mind and keeps me from thinking about what i should probably be thinking about. i don't know if that's healthy or not but what even is, we're all fucked up in our own ways.i just feel more fucked up than most. i feel like i'll never be who or what i want to be and i can never just relax and appreciate where i am at. i zone out, i can sit and stare off and not realize it for so long, there's nothing on my mind, it's seriously just blank so it's not like im sitting there worried or anxious...i'm just seemingly dead for a little, i don't feel a thing, a cool breeze or noise snaps me out of it, but i don't know why i do it so often. i don't understand love, i don't get what makes one person care about another. what makes it imposible...the fact of relying on someone else to complete you, to make you happy seems so vulnerable, i want that, but i don't know why. it seems like it would bring nothing but hurt in the end, as it has in the past. i am so tired of the people around me, mostly myself. i hate that i am never satisfied. i hate that i hurt the people that mean the most to me and i don't know why i do it. i get so frustrated with myself, and keeping my goals and priorities in order. i constantly get off task and lose focus of what is important and what is not. sometimes i don't want to live, does that make me suicidal? or is it normal to just want to escape and not deal with the world around you, let alone yourself and all the mistakes you've made. cycles, cycles, cycles. never a good thing. why can't i get caught up in a good cycle, where i'm doing positive things, helping instead of hurting. why can i identify and know what the right thing to do is in a situation, but knowingly i chose to do the opposite? i feel empty, i feel alone. i feel like nothing can reedem me from this hell. but i'm reminded of my Savior. I'm reminded when i feel so weak that God is strong. That nothing else will fill this emptiness but Him. The things of this world are temporary, everything fades, everyone lets you down. Whether or not you believe in God, does not make Him any less real, i've realized that. He is the same God whether you worship satan, believe in no higher power, or you pray to Alah. I always questioned God's existince in the evil and destruction in this world. The natural disasters of hurricanes, floods, earth quakes, or the mass murders of the hollocaust, Rwanda, and now Darfur, or even the tragic deaths of children and young people... none of it really made sense to me, and is still hard to grasp, but I guess what i came to realize is that when God created man he gave us free will, and in doing so we had the option to do right or wrong. Rather than making us robots and controlling our every move, he allowed us to chose. In giving us free will, he ultimately allowed us to create evil ourselves, in disobeying and going against what He desired for us. With evil in the world, we couldn't have a perfect world. The hardships, and tradgedies we endure make us who we are. They challenge our character, our judgement, our integrity. So yeah, alot of things don't make sense. we always ask "why me" because it always seems we have it so much worse than everyone else. but in reality there is always someone who has it worse and someone who has it better than you. there are always things to be greatful for. God is God, so ofcourse we can't understand all of His reasoning and justification behind why he allows certain things to happen. If we could understand all of it we would be God...Matter is neither creater nor destroyed. The big bang theory in which matter combusted and formed the universe.. where did that original matter come from inorder to combust? something can not be created from nothing so i ask where this theory actually begins. Is there some magic right before in which in the begining of time matter just appeared out of thin air, and then the theory of matter came into play? i don't really understand how there could be no higher power. God is a personal thing for everyone...everyone has their reasons they do or don't believe. I know i have a lot to work on with who i am, who i have become... I know the Dude who created me dserves a lot more of my time, and less time focoused on myself and what i want, because that is never good.

i have class early and need to atleast attempt to sleep,
idk what my point in all this was, more of just rambling because i have insomnia

goodnight

"my mother is delicious"

tonight was insane.

met up with whit on the train to norristown, went to KOP with whit and ma dukes, crazy as always, had sushi, took the train back and then went to kat and liane's. saw grace's baby for the first time in a year, shes so pretty. it was so good seeing and being around people who ive missed. i really wish i could get my priorites in order and start spending time with the people who have been there and will be there in the end.... i fuck myself over in that area regularly and waste time on people who suck... headed back, went to steve's, scott told us how his mother is delicious, and how he hooked up with a hooker who had hepetitus c, but he doesn't like getting his dick swabbed. uhhmmm then grabbed my face and whit was like "make out with her" WOOAH SIR. girls singing RHCP and sublime got to be too much so we left. i do not wear my sunglasses at night.

666, hail satan
KELSEY N.
goodnight philadelphia

never stops

last night saw stars for the first time. so good. we took the subway back to temple and justine, jp, ron, and stephan got here. we walked around, i rule at rock band, hung out with pete, went over to seth's dorm and hung out with him and pat. walked back at like 430 am and everyone was asleep. woke up at 930 cause someone said travis barker died, but i was misinformed. once we wake jp up we're going to south street diner i believe. after i need to go to the art museum to write my journal for phil. arts. and culture.

but really ive been realizing some things, especially last night... it's bad when your friends have to point it out. i've become a person i don't really like at all. im so fucking condescending sometimes, and to the people im closest to. I'm really a fucking bitch a lot of the time and i need to quit it because it's not something i would enjoy being around. I never was like this, i've grown bitter and cold. A lots been taken away and i still can't value what i have... im ignorant for real.

Wednesday NFG with kurt and whit;

life as of recent

I had one of these, didn't post for a long time and forgot what email i used, so i couldn't even try and figure out my password....made a new one, back in action.

So I moved to philly about 4 weeks ago. Temple University It rules. I love the city. I love the crack heads and the stories they come up with when they try to get your money. I love and hate the freedom, i only hate it because i never sleep. Septa has become my new best friend, although I would like to get a street bike soon. There is always something going on, so many people to meet that i probably don't want to meet. I love my roommates, and the one that sucked already moved out. WHITE TRASH. Classes have been going on for about 3 weeks and I already don't do all the reading i'm given. This semester I have Sociology, Analytical Reading and Writing, Social Work, and Phil. Arts & Culture. Most of the people I hang out with live in and around the city so living there just makes it easier to hang out a lot. Late nights every night, good talks and laughing constantly. Walking everywhere, feet are always dirty and always sore. I can't wait for the rest of this year to hapen, im psyched to live and learn in the best city on the east coast.