a past that haunts

i'll never escape it

mi cumpleaños

eh yeah yesterday was my birthday. it started off terrible with me just being down on myself about a lot, cause i let people get to me; rob cleared my head and set me straight, i know im a lucky girl and i just gotta remind myself of that when i get frustrated and all... no matter where things go or how they end up i just gotta keep my head up. spent the day with the family, mostly mom, got nice stuff. shes paying for my new bike that kate is building, got me a gps, some little stuff, and 100 bucks.... she also paid for everything i got at thrift stores with her, and my cro-mags ticket. then we went as a family out to Japanese, it was real nice. i know she was really trying to make my birthday special and i really appriciated it. i've learned to value her a lot more out of anyone. she's not all bad. not at all. then headed down to barco's and she made me a birthday cake :) we went to the mags, saw alota good people, kate was there, sucha nice surprise, i enjoyed everything even wic kinda hah...ummm but seriously cro-mags was obviously my highlight. kate's boyfriend is a friend of mr.joseph's and she started talking to him, while he was burning incense and doing some hare krishna ritual im guessing, and he said we could stand on stage while they played. that was seriously so neat to see cro-mags for my first time, from that angle. all the people piled up, stage dives, etc. and just the intensity that dude has at like 40 is crazy. hah manny goes to me "i hope i look that good when im 40"... i don't think any of us will haha, then after went to applebees with a buncha people, it was a good end to the night.

everythings pretty alright

christmas

grandparents just called, amazing how a short phone call can ruin my christmas spirit, really trying to not let it tho; they're moving back to japan, thank god

no more awkward phone calls pretending you didn't screw us over, phone calls from japan cost too much anyways hah; you didnt pay attention to us when dad was alive so why would you after he's dead go fuck yourselves, the occasional phone call on holidays hurts more than it heals; good job raising your youngest to become an alcoholic who steals his nieces and nephews inheritance, great missionary work. you were all so worried about going over there to "save" all the japanese people, that you neglected your own boys. they all came out pretty fucked up might i add. i mean most of them beat their wives, more than half your sons are alcoholics or some sort of addicts... you've done nothing to help us in the past or present, you won't in the future... honestly hope that whole side rots

merry christmas

really tho besides that little outburst today was awesome, i love my family and got some good stuff, christmas isn't as exciting as it used to be probably because i dont really care about "things" so much. theres not a whole lot i want or need, just stuff, filler, temporary happiness i don't need ya know? eh but having holiday dinner soon, relatives comming over and then idk probably waiting up for it to be my birthday, im turning 19 tomorrow which seems like a stupid age, but whatever cro-mags will be good and ill be seeing alota people i enjoy seeing so it'll be nice. jon joseph and his hare krishna back piece is something im looking forward to, hah yeah and death threat toooo

ok ok later

lucky girl

i need to start realizing that.




nights like these remind and refresh me

goodnight world

at ease

i have no clue why or how, but i have peace and calmness that i haven't had in so long. i feel like things are going how they should, and even when they aren't i'm able to relax and just know it's out of my control. i've had a lot of people come in and out of my life, but i am not holding on as tight anymore. the people who will stick around, you don't need to hold on or fight for like i have. Right now a main priority is being there for kyle, all of us are focusing on that. we're the most solid and golden group of friends i think youd ever come across. because we've been through it all together, and have always been there, no matter how far we drift. i've taken them for granted in years past but in the last year, ive really learned to value the true and beautiful things in my life. It has taken me so long to not stress over, and let go of the things i've forced, but i think ive really got it now. life isn't about what ive made it for so long, because those things are temporary, those things fade away and won't mean anything in the end. i'm trusting God, cause i know He's got a plan that i can't understand right now, but He always works it out some how.

I can't wait for Christmas, I can't wait for cro-mags on my birthday, i can't wait for my 80s dance party, and i can't wait to move into the new apartment.

i want out

I'M GETTING OUT

ive felt weighed down, and need to rid myself of any friendships that are one sided; so yeah yeah

later on



and i'm starting to realize that i'd rather have nothing than have a lie,
and sitting waiting for a life that's already passed me by.

fragile

why as soon as i forget how fragile life is, God shoves it in my face
i don't need that. i don't need to be reminded, i actually liked going a few months almost a year without really dwelling on death. Kyle's Dad just passed away tonight, we think it was a heart attack. he was playing floor hockey and just collapsed...and i just saw him at the bonfire last week.... he was joking about me spilling the oil on my shoe... i have finals and portfolios to hand in, i want to go and be there for kyler, renae and the whole family. Kyle's one of my best friends, he's who i grew up with. One of few id do ANYTHING for, and why is it that i know i won't have the words to say, or know how to comfort him when he'll need it most, so i'm going home tomorrow or thursday idk to just go and see ky. going through this myself is different than a friend, id rather this happen to me all over cause atleast it was me hurting. knowing ky is hurting so bad has made me non stop cry and i never cry... damn it dude, there's really nothing else to say

I love you Ky, God's big arms are wrapped around you and your family
and i know its hard to understand God's purpose in this, honestly seems there isn't one

damn it

i can not wait

to be home in 2 weeks, and then to move to south philly

dear lord, time speed up please
but done most of my work, just gotta finish my portfolio for enlish, and take two finals, and fall semester is FINISHED
woo!

uh life feels pretty alright for the most part