life effect

first day of classes was today. verizon is not setting up our internet til the 8th, which is nice and very annoying at the same time. jackee is one of my TA's in psych as a social science which is pretty neat. erika and i are sitting in the tech center right now. thinking about removing myself more and more from different things and people. we went to the gym today, good to be back in the swing of things i guess, going through the motions sometimes gets to me and i feel so routine. saw lily last night! was awesome, it was seriously so good to see her. life is good for real i just have to keep telling myself that

shape of the fear

accident prone

The Science of Sleep: a Michel Gondry film, same guy who did Eternal Sunshine. Strange but very good, do reccomend.


Stephane: No! I don't want to be your friend anymore! I don't want to be your friend anymore! Do I have to nail it on your door? "I don't want to be your friend."
Stéphanie: No you, you can't, you can't stop being my friend.it's not something people can decide.
Stephane: Oh yeah they can. People have an argument and they stop talking to each other.
Stéphanie: Okay then lets have a date or something and we can talk about things if thats whats you want.
Stephane: Whats the point you'll just want me as your friend and then you'll have a really nice boyfriend and that will kill me.

it's hard to pull yourself up when you're down this low

that whole eternal sunshine of the spotless mind thing would be neat right now. when asked to erase you, forget about you i'm not positive how i am to go about that when you were so ingrained in my life for the last 4+ years. if nothing has changed in the last couple years, it most likely won't in the future. although i hope someday when we are both happy we can meet up, catch up, since that whole memory eraser thing doesn't exist yet. i'd like to know the things you do, what you get to experience, and who with when we are older and past all of this. i really hung onto every word, to the extreme. i held on to something that never was ya know. you said you still cared like you used to but that we were moving forward in two completely different ways with our life, and how it would never work. i don't know if that was supposed to give me closure, it more or less just messed with my head more than it should have. our attempt at being friends was a pretty wacky thing wasn't it, we were both too stubborn and couldn't see things through eyes besides our own. you know i wish you the best. i don't harbor any hate for you, i acted out of frustration more so than not. bums me out that toward the end you saw only the negative sides of me, and maybe that is all i allowed you to see. i have learned a lot about how to care/ love someone, and how not to. you've taught me a lot, i'm still learning, obviously i still have a lot to work on. i'm gonna miss good times, but we are not who we were, trying to keep something together that has changed too much on either end will ware you out and kill you in the end.

you're just running in place from fear inside of you

i like this, specifically shadow of lies, and never again. i get bummed out that he died and i could never see a reunion, they are one of the few bands i'd travel far to see and it will never happen. RIP skip



also i can not get over her new album, especially this song. thank you april for showing me this.

did i force your hand to move like mine

okay so recently i've had a lot of long talks about many areas of life, with a few different friends. Nothing solved anything, but got me rethinking and really questioning why i still allowed some people to be any part of my life. One of these friends told me i need to be a little more harsh with people, i need to be able to ignore and move on from someone who has abused my friendship in more ways than one. He told me that when i saw you this past weekend i needed to just walk the other way and pretend like you don't exisist, because isn't that only fair? i am not a big fan of fair, or of holding grudges. i am usualy terrible at staying angry at someone, and even now i didn't want this to be one of our big fall outs. i just want there to be no communication between you and i, i want to forget everything and just keep it in the past. because each time you let me down and chose to put me behind every other single thing in your life it just digs up those skeletons i would have liked to keep burried. you had too much control, and now when i see you i don't see through you, i see past you and i'd rather not look you in the eyes ever again. you have never made me feel like i was a worth while part of your life, let alone made me feel like you wanted me around. please, i wish you the best. instead of playing the "nobody ever sticks around" card, and guilting people into sticking around. maybe you should look into why people have found it so hard to stick around and be true to you, even your best friends, have you been true to them? i mean maybe i'm a little bitter that i allowed you to mean way more to me than i ever meant to you. maybe i am frustrated that even when i tried to express how much you mean to me you never seemed to care about that. i could have never done enough to get you to notice, or understand that i just wanted to be by your side. and i don't want this to be a selfish move, i guess it kind of is, but i don't know how to fit into your life at all.

okay that was more than i wanted to say. i did love you, i don't love who you are. if you question if i still care, ofcourse i do, and i told you i always will. but i don't know you and i don't want to know you anymore.

goodbye

fair-weather friends are keeping score

I was somewhere under all of that. I can honestly 100% say i have never enjoyed a set more than I did during Suicide File on friday night. They played every song I wanted to hear, I was disgusting after it and it ruled so much.

This weekend was real neat. Met some new people, housed a bunch of friends/ friends of friends. Saw a lot of friends from all different places. Other highlights included, mario party til about 6am and vince being drunk and i still didn't win, burning my foot with hot eggs, i still don't know how i managed that. sweating out more water than i consumed in the last week in the sweat box known as the starlight ballroom. blacklisted's set, and the new song was so erie and so good. can not wait for that album. buffalo bill sending us home on the right foot. most likely i forgot the actual cool things that happened this weekend. but all in all. this weekend ruled, TIH has improved every year, I don't even know what to expect for next year. excited.

back to the real world, school starts in 2 weeks, so crazy. Back to working my office job at CIL for Temple. This summer has been pretty alright but i think i'm ready to be a grown up again.

life goes on

the last few days have been really good for the most part. having people over, seeing people i haven't seen in years, and them paying me back in tattoos. spending time with april, we seriously are too much and everyone that is around us together probably wants to pull their hair out. getting everything finished in the apartment, growing increasingly excited for this weekend :)

i am learning to be okay with improvement, to grin an bear my insecurities and just enjoy the things/people around me. nothing forced will ever be good for me and i am okay with being patient.

and i still don't know why

need the end to set me free

moved in for the most part. that's our apartment, while we were unpacking and stuff. also a little family thing for josh's 18th birthday last week.

exctied, kinda want school to start. excited i will be seeing suicide file in a little over a week from now. excited to see many people next week/spend time in the new place. tonight i am going to the diner tonight with a bunch of girls i grew up with, through elementary/middle/half of high school. we grew apart, but it's nice they still want to get together and catch up. honestly don't know how this will go considering they've all remained good friends still and i haven't hung with them in over 3 years. should be okay.

i made roughly 1,000 bucks in the last 2 weeks from working. no more work for this month, lotsa gym time, lotsa hang out time.

respect