seekers of the truth

i'm a few hours into te next decade of my life. my 20's. pretty WILD right. Ha i mean never really thought of it being a big deal, until last night as i was falling asleep. i realized in these next 10 years,some of the most important things will be happening or "should" be happening. graduating college, finding a job, doing my masters in social work (most likely), meeting my husband (HAH) and starting a family? Buying a house? a lot is supposed to happen in these next 10 years. am i ready? no way. i'll take it as it's handed to me, and go from there. it's crazy think of some or any of that happening. well, i had a really okay christmas, and okay birthday. i don't know why i was bummed to turn 20, but i was. mom treated us to Thai which is always nice. awful weather, trying to get my things together, and i finally found myself back in the city around some of my favorite people. i made some people happy with christmas gifts,and i think that was my favorite part. i got some ridiculous stuff from hober and chad, and april got me the best things ever. she spent way too much on me. barco suprised me with a cake, and a gift. it was just a nice way to end a mediocre couple of days. tonight is what i've been siked on anyways. running some errands, going to cro-mags, and then having people over after for my birthday. i am lucky i think, please remind me of that.

it's getting harder to feel it any more

right now it is 8:41am on monday, december 21st. 4 days til christmas, and 5 til i turn 20. my apartment is freezing, and i need to get home for a dr. appointment at 1pm. i spent the last 3 days with some good friends, and non-stop laughter. the memorial day demo was played at least 12 times in the course of 72 hrs. i had no sense of time, the snow was good to us. well, i have to get my things together to head home, and i can not wait.

peace

once upon a time

not the fairy tale, the memorial day song.

ever sit back and take in how quickly people come in and out of your life? pretty wild. the semester is over finally, and as i handed in my last paper this morning i felt anxiety ease a bit. walking out of anderson i could finally take a deep breath for the first time in months. you are so tense kelsey, so tense. i got an "i'm sorry", yesterday followed by silence. i didn't appreciate that. not at all, what is that supposed to mean to me. i've been listening to the memorial day demo, cat power, and acoustic bayside way too much lately. it may just be keeping me here. i also recieved a phone call from my mom while i was with some friends last night. she called me crying, and i could not tell you the last time i heard my mom cry. She called because she missed my Dad, and said, "it's just hard this time of year, i miss him, i miss what things could have been for all of us now". Now i love my Dad too, and ofcourse i miss him, but is it bad that none of that has crossed my mind in a while. i don't really think about what could have been because it just isn't. he isn't here, and that is what it is. i've gotten close to a couple new people, some i'm getting to know better. i like where some friendships are headed. with the fall 2009 semester behind me, bring on Christmas things, 2010, and Uganda. i've got things to learn, and places to go.


this is still so beautiful to me

oh yes, ps: last minute visit to devon's shore house last night was the best last minute decision. Barco is home which is great. rode there with her, pinto, preston, and eric. bob joined us on the way home. just being around good friends is nice. we went out on the beach around midnight, not a single person around. the sky was completely clear, and seeing all the stars out, and running around on the beach in the 20 degree weather with friends was the perfect end to this week.

.013

writing this from my cacoon of blankets in my comfy bed. would not mind never leaving this spot ever. as of late i have a hard time with the world around me, and it's more of a self fought battle against my own mind, i guess it always has been. i had a good talk with my Mom yesterday afternoon, and she reassured me that it shows a lot that i acknowlege it. that my dad, he just never even thought there was something wrong with how he was. it's scary when it's not just you seeing your Dad in yourself, but the people around you do aswell. like she said, it's negative and positive, but i have to constantly stay ahead of the negative. i won't let this thing take hold of me, no medicine this time, it won't consume me entirely. feeling your grasp on reality and control of your mind slip slowly out from under you is pretty terrifying. i'm not something i would invest in, because i have the capacity, just like him to hurt you. keeping it together, looking at 3 A's and 2 B's this semester. i turn 20 in like two weeks, oh yeah and christmas too, that's weird. i leave for Uganda in about 7 weeks. still pretty unreal. i won't have room for head stuff there, but like mom said, i can't run from it.

i think chan marshall kind of gets it


"She was wearing a pair of my pajamas with the sleeves rolled up. When she laughed I wanted her again. A minute later she asked me if I loved her. I told her it didn't mean anything but that I didn't think so. She looked sad. But as we were fixing lunch, and for no apparent reason, she laughed in such a way that I kissed her."

enslaved i can't be saved

so here i am, almost 3am, i have class tomorrow and my left eye is still twitching from lack of sleep or lack of bananas. yeah, gotta be sleep. I made the mistake of putting on the new Blacklisted LP for the first time in its entirety. and it is exactly what i needed to hear. hearing them play "i'm trying to dissapear" a few times this year got me siked, but i wasn't expecting this. I'm just grateful that there is still a band after years of seeing them, that i still have faith in, and that i can pay for a record without listening to any of it, knowing they won't let me down. A definite postive progression in their music careers in my eyes, pretty neat.

This weekend was awesome for the most part, my brain wanted to shut down during the whole thing, but not to worry. I stayed ahead of it with lots of coffee, and parties parties parties. Joe Pitt's 21st was a lot of fun, and if you know me, you know tired kelsey is the worst, and most likely more awful than any drunk person (excluding erika and april ofcourse). Ricky's suprise party was sucessful, and i'm glad. I a had a lot of fun there as well. Seeing Lily all three days of the weekend was an added bonus.

i turn 20 in 20 days, i don't like the sound of that.

going through the motions always,


to be 13 again