but you don't mean a thing to me

work is a drag we all say it. Life is a joke, it seems trendy to be miserable. These thoughts are present to some degree in us all I guess. For some this unavoidable state of mind is more pressing and more threatening. We do the same things always. No matter what happens, who we are with. Who we think we have. At the end of the day as you crawl into bed, it is one lonely, miserable leg after the other, slipping under the covers of a bed that brings more warmth and comfort than any friend or family member has been able to offer. That's a scary reality, huh? A more terrifying truth is the instability of your own sanity. Something that is yours. The only thing you really have all of the time is slipping away from you. Unable to love the right ways, unable to think and react like you are expected to and know you should. Trapped in your mind, nobody wants that. I know I don't. I'd like to feel okay for 1 day, and not fake okay. allowing myself to be nursed by so called friends, or meaningless experiences i could most certainly do without. but i mask it, and i keep busy. and that is all i know. i don't know if i have ever been too sure what it is I'm looking for. I guess I put a lot of expectation in leaving and things making more sense when I do. Now I'm just more apprehensive. I guess i just don't want to feel bad. I want to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning feeling something more than the exterior. Interior vs. Exterior. I always think this should be more simple and that I should be able to decide to just change things and not feel so defeated all the time. This winter break has been weird. A lotta wild stuff happened I guess. I really did enjoy a lot of it I think. Its just a lot. I'm scared to leave some people behind, I didn't think I'd be saying that. A few are starting to mean more than they maybe should. Its wild when you can see the people around you really looking at you or treating you like a crazy person. I let some people in and some people know a little bit. But never tell anybody everything ever. None of this even made sense. I'm bored at work and always feel like it could be useful to update this for some reason. I'm not even sure what that reason is. I'll cut me off now. well i promise to make up for these with nothing but cool, exciting things that happen in Uganda. i leave in 3 weeks, don't forget about me, on second thought, do.