you wear the clothes of a beggar, but underneath your a thief

I liked being 15 or 16 i think

You shouldn't have the power that you still do. From one extreme to the other. My mind should not afford you the ability to get at me like you still do. I said this to you but I really think that maybe I want you to feel just a small part of what you did to me. I want this all to mess with you like it used to mess with me. I don't think I'm in love with you anymore no, don't think like that please. However I still love you, I always tried to do it selflessly, and step away when I know I had to. My mind worked against me, everything you did worked against anything good it could have, but would have never been. I'd be kidding myself if I tried to pull the "I don't miss you. I just hate you", and things of the like. But as I sit at my work desk, working on mind numbing tasks, I'm left to dwell on how unloveable I really must be. And just how detached from any human emotion you are but your own desires. I know I'm pretty awful, you've reminded me plenty of times. Here's to your success at making me feel entirely disposable, and unworthy of anything you once held infront of me. Because I can't let him in now, not just him but them, and anyone else. And you know it isn't so much that I don't know how, I can not. You didn't make me crazy, I did that to myself. Hey maybe genetics and a somewhat unfortunate upbringing had something to do with it too. Regardless, where I am now, I am not sure. I've been hanging out somewhere between bad and worse.I'm looking for an escape, for a way out. Reaching up, just to have it all cave in on me again. Did I think you were capable of saving me from that, no. But there were little moments where things felt alright, and you know I felt at home. If I can't forget you, I will work on forgiving you. That's cliche, and silly. But I guess that is all I have for now. Until I am given a more creative, and possibly even a more effective remedy. I never know what I'm actualy writing about. I feel this is an attempt to produce what makes no sense in a physical form. Just to get it all down and have it still make no sense, but just reinforce how far off you really are. I will work on trying to be okay with myself, less self hate seems like a wild thought. and then maybe I will work on trying to let people love and care for me, the way I do for them. Until then I will keep giving and knowing I don't deserve to receive anything back.